If I could explain how I feel in words, that would be a real blessing. But I feel so lost lately and it's so frustrating for everything to be on the tip of my tongue and not be able to spit any of it out. And a part of me fears how it would come out and who would be on the listening end of it. A few weeks ago I compared the noise in my head to the rumble strip on the side of the highway...when a car goes over it at like 70mph!
AJSDHA;SIHET;IHDFJANSDH;DJGHA;IOEU'TAIHDGH
exactly. there are just no words or sound to describe it - it's just an illogical, nonsense NOISE.
I'm waiting for school to be done - 1st week of May. I'm waiting for bowling to be done - 2nd week of May. Maybe then my brain will quiet down. School stuff for the fall has been taken care of, so that's one less stress on my mind.
Strangely enough, my child is NOT my issue. I love my baby girl and she's wholly mine. I do suffer some mommy guilt when she is just chillin in her bouncy seat or swing (like now) and I type away. But then I remind myself, NEVER disturb a content child. That's rule #2 after NEVER wake a sleeping child (rule #1). Also, I sing to her everyday, I recite nursery rhymes everyday, I show her blocks and books everyday. I need to remind myself that I do these things EVERYDAY and that it means I'm a good mom who does spend time with her baby and that if I need to give myself a 15 minute break, that I'm not a bad mommy. After all...there's only so much a 2 month old can do! But when I come home (evenings are my worst times) and I feel like there's a million things to catch up my brain just goes bezerk. And if she starts to cry, I cringe, because it makes me want to cry. In the evenings I feel like I can't hold her and I can't cuddle her, or is it that I don't want to? And that makes me feel awful and mean and like a horrible detached mother. And that's a hard battle to fight:o(
I really need to call my Aunt Babe in WI. I've been putting it off for weeks, as usual. I love calling her and making her happy, but she ALWAYS gravitates towards talking about my Mom and it makes her cry and I have to fight with everything I have not to cry, too. I just don't like to fall apart like that. And in my state of mind I might cry. And then I'd be a royal mess on the phone with a 90+ yr old woman who I'd never get to calm down and not to mention the mood it would put me in for the rest of the day. So...I...stall...and I feel awful for it.
My work goes well. Shawn's new job is going well. Although we're staying playing "catch-up" with bills, so that is a natural stress inducer. As far as our actual jobs, though, we're both VERY happy.
This is who I am all mixed into one right now: wife, housekeeper, mommy, entertainer, nanny, chauffer, league secretary, part-time (slacker) student, cow (MOO!), ........
This is what I signed up for. This is what I put on my plate. And now I have to deal with it all. But somehow, someway, I'm trying to find ME in there somewhere.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Autumn's 2 month checkup! (really late)
So it's more like 2 1/2 month checkup! Autumn is doing great! Her checkup at the dr's office was the 12th.
Her stats: 11.2lbs & 24in! The child grew a whole inch in one month..goodness! If she grows anymore in length I think she'll be off the charts, she's still in like teh 95-97% range.
She sleep throught the night, usually, which is at least 7 hours. Some days it's longer...a lot longer...and this worries me in my first waking moments that something has clearly happened to my baby because babies just aren't supposed to sleep through the night as much as she does. But I realize I have a daughter that is like her father and simply enjoys sleep, all is well with the world, and I return to my bed:o) I do try to feed her more often during the day if she has slept a lot, just so that her sleeping doesn't get in the way of her eating and gaining weight. But, as long as she's eating, gaining weight, and alert during her waking moments, then I see no problem with a child who enjoys her rest!
She;s now in 3-6 month clothing. Bittersweet! She's just so long that her 0-3 weren't doing it anymore.
Autumn can confidently suck her left thumb, but has trouble with her right. She more or less sucks her right fist and fingers than the actual thumb. Every few days her taste for one or the other switches.
She's "talking" more...and her favorite person to talk to is Daddy. Although I think her second favorite person to talk to is Will. She seriously adores my 7 yr old little man...it's too cute!
Breastfeeding is still going awesome, but I haven't had the time to do extra pumping sessions, so my stash hasn't grown more than a few ounces this month. Making time for pumping is just adding another thing to my to-do list and I don't want to even think about it.
Well, I think she's back down for her morning nap, so I will go finish sleeping and wake up in a few more hours and give a more personal update on how I feel after two months:o)
Her stats: 11.2lbs & 24in! The child grew a whole inch in one month..goodness! If she grows anymore in length I think she'll be off the charts, she's still in like teh 95-97% range.
She sleep throught the night, usually, which is at least 7 hours. Some days it's longer...a lot longer...and this worries me in my first waking moments that something has clearly happened to my baby because babies just aren't supposed to sleep through the night as much as she does. But I realize I have a daughter that is like her father and simply enjoys sleep, all is well with the world, and I return to my bed:o) I do try to feed her more often during the day if she has slept a lot, just so that her sleeping doesn't get in the way of her eating and gaining weight. But, as long as she's eating, gaining weight, and alert during her waking moments, then I see no problem with a child who enjoys her rest!
She;s now in 3-6 month clothing. Bittersweet! She's just so long that her 0-3 weren't doing it anymore.
Autumn can confidently suck her left thumb, but has trouble with her right. She more or less sucks her right fist and fingers than the actual thumb. Every few days her taste for one or the other switches.
She's "talking" more...and her favorite person to talk to is Daddy. Although I think her second favorite person to talk to is Will. She seriously adores my 7 yr old little man...it's too cute!
Breastfeeding is still going awesome, but I haven't had the time to do extra pumping sessions, so my stash hasn't grown more than a few ounces this month. Making time for pumping is just adding another thing to my to-do list and I don't want to even think about it.
Well, I think she's back down for her morning nap, so I will go finish sleeping and wake up in a few more hours and give a more personal update on how I feel after two months:o)
Friday, April 2, 2010
Getting in Shape...the routine!
So I did NOT start working out until just recently. I tried my fitness ball for a few days w/ the DVDs it came with, but who has time to watch one of those?! So exercising was put on the back burner UNTIL I went shopping at the local consignment store that I usually adore...and it was an EPIC fail. I got two shirts and not a single pair of short, capris or skirts that I had intended to buy. Dammit! (Although, I'd like to argue that some things are horribly mis-sized or have shrunk since they were worn by their original owners!)
Anyway, so I've come up with a way to exercise and make it not a hassle.
When do I do it? Surprisingly, NOT when Autumn is sleeping - that is when I get my house chores done. Nope. I do my daily exercises on the floor right next to her when she's awake and having tummy time or playmat time. I count aloud, so she can hear me (and learn at the same time!) and she watches her mommy squirm and wiggle, which is something she's very familiar with!
What do I do? Right now: 50 regular crunches, 50 bicycle crunches, the "plank" exercise for 30-45 seconds, and 50 of what I call my "side to side" crunches (I don't really know what they're called, but I sit up - knees bent - and lean back at a 45 degree angle, so my abs have to keep me up and then I hold something at my belly button - usually a ball that jingles and makes Autumn smile - and then I twist from side to side). Also, we take at least one walk a day!
I do this TWICE a day - once in the morning/afternoon and then once at night.
Extras - if I get bored at home, or I feel like doing more I might do some extra stuff like:
~Toss & Squat with the fitness ball
~Torso twists with the fitness ball
~Fitness ball crunches
~Pelvic swivels on the fitness ball
~Extra walks
And that's all I do for now. We'll see how it works out in a few weeks.
Anyway, so I've come up with a way to exercise and make it not a hassle.
When do I do it? Surprisingly, NOT when Autumn is sleeping - that is when I get my house chores done. Nope. I do my daily exercises on the floor right next to her when she's awake and having tummy time or playmat time. I count aloud, so she can hear me (and learn at the same time!) and she watches her mommy squirm and wiggle, which is something she's very familiar with!
What do I do? Right now: 50 regular crunches, 50 bicycle crunches, the "plank" exercise for 30-45 seconds, and 50 of what I call my "side to side" crunches (I don't really know what they're called, but I sit up - knees bent - and lean back at a 45 degree angle, so my abs have to keep me up and then I hold something at my belly button - usually a ball that jingles and makes Autumn smile - and then I twist from side to side). Also, we take at least one walk a day!
I do this TWICE a day - once in the morning/afternoon and then once at night.
Extras - if I get bored at home, or I feel like doing more I might do some extra stuff like:
~Toss & Squat with the fitness ball
~Torso twists with the fitness ball
~Fitness ball crunches
~Pelvic swivels on the fitness ball
~Extra walks
And that's all I do for now. We'll see how it works out in a few weeks.
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