Friday, August 27, 2010

Thankful Thursday! (post-dated)

I know, it's Friday. This is late. Get over it:oP

1. I'm thankful my first full week of school is done and over with. I survived Week 1. Hooray!

2. I'm thankful that my hubby was able to take Tuesday off due to the weather and could spend some time with Autumn. It was turning into a stressful event for her aunt to take her due to some unforseen errand running & a lunchdate and it made me much less anxious to know that she was home with her daddy and could work her own schedule. They had a wonderful morning/afternoon together and she had a playdate with our neighbor at the same time.

3. I'm thankful that she was a good girl for her "Aunt" Becky on Thursday and that she gets extra social time with Caleb. It's so important to me (and I'm sure Becky, too) that these kiddos get time together. Since their mothers share a special bond, these two will (like it or not) be in each other's lives for some time!

4. I'm thankful for my attitude - my perseverence, my drive, my dedication. Seriously girls - sometimes you need to give yourself some kudos. I've had several (usually older) women tell me, "I can't imagine doing all that. I'd lose my mind," or something of the like. And to's just what HAS to be done. And yes, I come home with a headache and I'm exhausted. And especially with school, there have been times where I've wanted to say, "I'm done. I can't do this right now. I'll finish later." But I don't. Because I WANT to finish. Because I've worked so hard that to give up now would be stupid and I'd regret it forever. Yes, I could find ways around making a living, but I WANT my degree and I WANT my career. And all this struggle and exhaustion is for something.

So at the end of day, I'm thankful that I'm not a quitter. I'm thankful that my parents instilled in me that attitude to finish through with something. To accomplish. To always strive to be better and do better and try harder. I'm thankful that I push myself (ok...sometimes a little too hard!) to get where I want to be.

And on that note...I'm off to do homework:o)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Autumn said her first word - MAMA! And Shawn heard it, too:o) It made me SO HAPPY!!!! Our little girl is growing up!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Focusing on the cute...

While I could focus on the bad technology-impaired professors and blatant DUH!ness

Or the good getting 1 hour away from everything while Shawn kept Autumn and I got a whole chapter read for school

I'm going to focus on the cute things! Every (ok...most) babies are happy. HAPPY HAPPY BABIES! YAY! But every parent likes to say "I have such a happy baby!" I do it. I know I do it. It's true, so deal! But truly, there are those moments when Autumn just looks at me with this smirk and then it widen to an ear-to-ear grin and she's flapping her arms wildly and kicking her legs. And even she knows she's happy. She's expressing her joy and excitement and in doing so, makes her self more excited! It's adorable:o)

I love those moments. They make me happy and I need to continue to focus on them when I'm feeling overwhelmed and too busy. Because in the end, everything else will disappear, but my happy baby will be there for me, happy to see me, ready to be loved on and SHE is all that matters!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

And we're back!

Hello. How are you? Oh how I've missed you - my computer screen, the sound of my fingers typing away, and some much needed downtime. I've seriously been going to bed at 930pm. I need the sleep, but I also need this time. I'm probably going to be staying up later to study and research for class (more on that later), but I'm going to do my best to blog more often. I have a lot pent up and need to write. It keeps me calm, cool, and collected:o)

So, classes started on Thursday. I'm still on the waitlist for one (some Russian history class) and I desperately NEED to get in. It's the only class on a Tues/Thurs morning that I can take. And I NEED to take at least two classes or NO financial aid, which means that if I go down to one class and lose the financial aid there's no way I can pay for just one class on such short notice. Taking a bogus online "easy" class would be an option, but it would still mean not graduating this December and I don't see that as an option either. So --> Russian class is a MUST and I'd appreciate the professor adding me asap! I've e-mailed him three times...I think he realizes the urgency. Really.

My independent study course is on 20th century women's history. I've already had this professor and I LOVE HER! She's just awesomeness. However, it's a lot of reading. Interesting reading, but still a lot. And I'm already getting down to business with paper topics, questions, possible thesis, sources for my paper, etc. I will have a ton to hand her by Tuesday aka Day 2 of class. I'm on it like white on rice!

And I know you're all dying to know...Autumn did WONDERFUL at Aunt Becky's (aka my bff!). I knew she would, but of course I was very anxious. And I admit that I checked in probably more often than I needed to, possibly driving Becky up a wall, but she loves me and tolerates my nuerotic behaviour regardless. She took her bottles. She didn't eat her solid food, but that just meant I got to feed her later which I enjoyed. She napped - super important. And she played with her buddy, Caleb! Oh, and snuggled Aunt Becky - the MOST important thing of all.

However, I was SO HAPPY to see her. I really did miss her. I know it will get easier, but I don't think I'll ever get over that "she's back in my arms" feeling. And nursing her was just so precious. I did pump (in the car! while driving!) when she wasn't with me in order to keep up my supply and such. But nursing her after being away from her for about 4 hours was just wonderful! I snuggled her and loved on her and felt so happy to be with her again. Ok, making you sick, eh? I'll stop! lol

The next few weeks will be weird due to varying schedules with work. In about 2 weeks we should be down to a regular routine and things will calm down, get in step and we'll be rolling right along. She'll be staying with her Aunt Tara on Tuesdays, so this week will be the first for that. She's stayed with her before, just not for as long a period of time, but I'm still not too worried. She's raised two girls already, I'm sure she can handle the monkey!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

3 years...

(Sorry, but the first post back isn't a joyful one...)

Honestly, I woke up this morning and not until noon did it hit me. Between Autumn's routine, having guests in the house since last night, getting some chores done and going over's all very distracting. And that's something to be thankful for. Because if it wasn't for distractions, moments of sadness would stay with us forever and consume us on a daily basis and what good would that do?

Three years ago my mom died. It's not the only day I think about my mom and so that shouldn't make today too much different than the rest. Most days I'll give myself a moment and then push it away. It's can't consume me. However, when I think of today I think of all that happened on this day and all that lead up to it.

Days earlier - The voicemail from Daddy. The talk with my brother. The decision to drive to NJ to try to get Mommy to see a doctor. The awful drive to NJ filled with news that Mommy's health was worse than anyone really predicted. Hours at the hospital. A restless sleep at home. The phone call that things had gotten worse at the hospital. The bad news. Our last moments. Visiting a funeral home. Picking out her outfit. Making phone calls. The wake. The funeral.

My worst moment was really at the end of the funeral. I kept it pretty well together until that last moment and then had a breakdown.

It's unbelievable how in the course of about one week our lives changed dramatically. I still don't think I can comprehend it all. The saying, "You do what you gotta do" really does come into play in an unexpected situation like that. I went out and bought hair dye and picked out my mother's clothes and dropped stuff off at the funeral home because it HAD to get done and my Dad needed me to do it. All the while feeling like it was wrong and shouldn't be happening and having this serious complex over "What the hell is going on?!"

There is potential for everyday to suck because my Mom has passed away and isn't here physically, but I take great comfort in belief that she's at peace now and watching over my family. I can still hear her. I still talk to her. I wouldn't change what happened either, which sounds twisted, but things have happened since her death that would not have happened had she been alive and I wouldn't want those things to go away either. It just is what it is. That's life. Everyday could suck, but it doesn't because I've come to peace with the situation.

HOWEVER, today sucks. Period. It sucks because I have memories that I can't make disappear. I have a tendency to hold onto bad memories and this definitely qualifies. Images are burned into my brain. Conversation replay over and over again. I still have dreams about everything. I wake up and feel like I've relived it all. Sometimes the dream changes to bring me more comfort. Sometimes it gets worse.

So, today, I will remember. Unfortunately. All the bad stuff. However, I will also be thankful for distractions and try to keep myself busy by running errands and playing with my little girl! I will concentrate on happy thoughts. PUPPIES AND, really...our visiting friends are bringing back a puppy from VA today, lol!

Ok. I will leave you with one semi-funny thought. My family now jokes about how, when faced with certain situations, I can be very determined and nothing will stop me. Like when I couldn't reach my younger brother to tell him about my mom's health. What did I do? I called Dover Air Force Base, instructed each and every person on the phone that I NEEDED to speak to my brother's commanding officer due to a family emergency and when I was finally patched thru I told his commanding officer that he needed to send someone to my brother's apartment (OFF BASE!) immediately and wake him up to get him to drive to NJ. I didn't give a rat's ass who I was talking to - I needed something done and it was going to happen! (And it did!)

Friday, August 20, 2010


Internet back on at the house! Promise to catch up on reading and posting sometime this weekend. Have LOTS to talk about:o)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

6 months!!!!!

Shawn got a home a little early today due to this ungodly heat! And the awesome hubby that he is, I ran out for just a few hours for some "me" time. I went to Barnes & Noble, but the place was packed with not a single chair for me to sit and surf the web and do what I needed to do. So I'm here at teh library instead. I don't have much more time left before I have to get back, but I needed to do the 6 month update.

SIX MONTHS?! That's half a year, people. HALF A YEAR! Where did it go? Shawn is still ranting and raving about our awesome birth experience and that was 6 months ago! CRAZY! And oh my, how my little girl has grown:o)

At her checkup she weighed 14.6lbs and was 27.25 inches! Her percentiles for weight and head circumference dropped a litle bit, but her height is still in the 95%. The doctor wasn't the least bit concerned since she was 100% breastfed up until Monday night! With the introduction of solid food her percetiles should go back up to her "normal" range.

~Her motor skills (large & small) are off the least I think so. She picks things up ALL THE TIME! She grabs things (quite the grip she has!) right out of our hands. She can easily bring things to her mouth and she also reaches and grabs things that are a distance from her.

~She is just about ready to crawl. She gets her butt up. She gets her chest up. Just not at the same time. On hardwood floors she will push herself backwards. I won't call it scooting because I don't think she knows that she's actually doing it. Also, when something is out of her reach she will 1) either roll back and forth moving closer to it until she reaches it or 2) ever so slightly continue to rock herself or scoot herself forward until she can grab the object. She's very impressive to watch!

~Daddy hsa finally rigged the jumparoo between the kitchen and the living room and now that her legs are stronger she absolutely LOVES it. Shawn, I think, is actually far more entertained by her squeals and spins. It's fun to watch both of them:o)

~She has started oatmeal cereal. I'm giving it to her in the afternoon and in the evening. AFTER nursing of course, so as not to disrupt our nursing schedule and hurt my supply or overfeed her. She doesn't dislike it. She hasn't quite gotten the grasp of it. Soon I'll be adding veggies and fruits to the meals and that will be fun, I'm sure.

~As of next week she will begin visiting Aunt Tara and/or Aunt Becky while I being school (that's a whole other issue still brewing in my brain...). I think it will be very good for her and I'm excited for the extra time she will spend with people who love her.

~Autumn also makes a "popping/lip smacking" sound with her mouth. She learned it from Baby Einstein. It's the cutest thing and just cracks us up when she does it.

I'm writing this so quickly that I don't know what I'm missing. AHHHH!!!! I'm sure more updates will soon as I get the internet back at the house. (hopefully next week!)

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Being a Mom is like...(Blog Hop!)

I'm going to try to do a bloghop. This might fail miserably, but sooner or later I'll get it right, right?! I was thinking about this last night and then I thought, "How cool would it be to read what OTHER people thought?" So I decided that instead of just a plain old blog entry, I'd spice it up to see what others think. So we're blog hopping. I look forward to ANYONE who wants to write an entry!

All you have to write about it what "Being a Mom is like..." and link up. Here's mine:

Being a Mom is like...

Wearing a HOT pair of high heels!
We make it look easy
We make it look GOOOOOD
We make it look fun & trendy!

But at the end of the day...
Our feet hurt!
Our legs ache:o/
And we're just damn tired!

Men will never full understand.
Even if & when they try to walk a mile (ok..just a block!) in our shoes...
They try hard and they do their best
But they don't have the style and they don't have the grace
Give them their props for doing it their own way, but they can't do it like us, girls!

And other women wonder, why? WHY?
Why put yourselves through it all?
Because they too may not understand now (or ever)
That it's the self esteem boost,
The sense of accomplishment
And the pure joy we get...from wearing our "pair of HOT high heels!"

That's what being a mom is like. For me:o)

Looking foward to reading yours!

This is a Blog Hop! 1 entries so far... you're next!

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thankful Thursday!

Thankful Thursday!

(1) I’m thankful for internet via my phone! Cable was too expensive, so I cut that cost and just got an internet usb stick via my cell phone service. It’s really great! Then hubby accidentally broke it. SO, until I get a new one, I have no internet at my house except via phone. Right now I’m REALLY loving the fact that I spent a few extra bucks to get the web deal:o)

(2) Daddy! Aka GRANDPA! I’m thankful that he came to visit, but I’m just thankful for him in general. He LOVES LOVES LOVES his little pumpkin! While he was here we went out to dinner and spent an afternoon at the flea market and then out to lunch. Autumn is always very good when we’re out, but she seems to be on her best behavior when we’re with Grandpa. I’m very thankful that he can make trips from NJ to see us. He’s getting ready to put the house on the market, which means he will be that much closer to moving to NC. Of course it will be sad to not go “home” when we visit NJ, but I totally understand the reasons for him selling the house and I support him 150%! I’m ready for him to be here and it will be great for our family that he’s close to Autumn and my niece-on-the-way, Madison.

(3) A job and totally awesome employers who try their very best to make our schedules work together so that I can attend classes. I know my education is as important to them as it is to me, but they’re by no means required to be as helpful as they are. I think it stresses me out more than them. I feel sometimes likes it’s a burden. But they’re wonderful people and I know that many people don’t have the opportunity to finish school while working, so I’m thankful for it EVERYDAY and do not take it for granted.

(4) My best friend is moving back into town! WOO-HOO! I think that’s all that needs to be said:o)

(5) Neighbors with ride-on mowers!!!! Our lawn was looking…disgraceful. I’ll just put it out there and let you know! So it had to be done and Shawn was home early enough yesterday to do the front. It’s amazing how nice a mowed lawn looks! And he went to go do the backyard, which is HUGE, and our neighbor just pulled up with his ride-on mower and helped Shawn out. He tends to do this anytime we mow, but we were especially thankful for it yesterday because it had gotten so overgrown and Shawn was already so tired. He normally only does one lawn per day, so for him to do both the front and back in one day would have been a lot after a day of work. It’s my hope that soon we can invest in our own ride-on mower.

(6) Supportive women. Because I need you. Because I have you. <3<3<3

And that’s all I have time for. I type my blogs at home, save them, and then just upload them when I get to work when I get half a second. Tomorrow’s Friday people…be happy!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Emotional Mommies - Come on in!

Organization and compartmentalizing only goes so far. I can follow a simple chore list to help me get through the week without burning myself out. When school comes I will map out the entire semester’s homework schedule that I’ve been known to follow 90% of the time. I will plan dinners, try to cook ahead, and make it a point to take my little girl to playdates and storytimes so that I know we’re getting out of the house to spend quality time together so I’m not distracted by other things.
These are lines that can be drawn. Boundaries I can choose to stay within or cross over at my own convenience.

But there are things I can’t help. Things like being a full-time mommy and wife, holding down a part-time job while being a part-time student. I can organize the activies of these persons, but I am just one person and therefore, these three have to coexist in one body. Which means all the separate emotions, daily stresses and ups and downs that come along with each “me” rattle around in my head and bounce into one another. It’s like my head is the white padded cell of a looney bin and all my ideas is the craziness that bounces off those walls:o)

It’s hard. It’s what I signed up for and I’m well aware of that. And it’s so cliché, but it’s true that you have no idea what you’re in for. I could have done things different. I could have stayed in NJ and finished school there and been done years ago. I could have finished school here before getting married and having a baby. But this is the path I’ve chosen and I do happen to like it. They all give me a different feeling of purpose and goals and that’s something to be positive about.

Sometimes I am sad and frustrated, though. At times I question whether I suffer from PPD. Then again, I look at my own personal history and my family history (especially in the females) and I wonder if I would be medically diagnosed with depression. Or some chemical imbalance. It’s hard not to think of these things. I read other women’s struggles with their emotions and I see we all seem to be on the same page. The real question is, “Am I crazy?” Which, I think we all know we’re not. I call it my emotional roller coaster that ends at a brick wall! I’m up one minute. Down the next. And then I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to describe it.

Communication is key. Simple solution. Hard task. I’m great at communcation happy, love, thankful. I’m not so great at communcating frustration, anxiety, sad, etc. I don’t know anyone who has mastered these skills, but regardless, I’m really bad at it. Like…I will let it eat at me until I explode. Not a pretty sight.
Shawn and I are both still learning (constant ongoing process) of how to parent and how to help one another. Attending school is going to be a HUGE test in our communcation because I will be around less (con!), but he will get a lot more time with Autumn (pro!). Him and I will be finding ourselves communcating in a totally different manner than we do now because our situation is changing and I will need to learn to adjust to this. I will also need to learn to “let go” on some issues and just relax.

I’m thankful that I have a best friend who I can talk to about anything! I mean really, ANYTHING. And she’s not just a shoulder to cry on. She’s honest and helpful and if I’m being dumb, she’ll tell me:o) She’s been my support throughout the years in regards to many issues and now we’ve added “being a mommy” to the list.

Overall, lately I’m feeling very overwhelmed. And it’s easy for that emotion to get away from me and take off for the “crazy cliff.” It’s important to keep a reign on these negative emotions. And the first step I’ve found myself taking is trying to figure out where it’s coming from. WHAT is going on right now that might be causing me to feel this way? And I have to look deeper than the “I’m just stressed” excuse. Right now my valid excuse is the anxiety I feel about school starting soon. There will be a lot of changes to my schedule, Autumn’s schedule, our household atmosphere and with that comes the feeling of guilt, pressure, happy, sad, etc. Once I know where/what the problem is I don’t try to make it go away. You feel how you feel and that isn’t going to necessarily go away. However, I can ease the feelings. I can talk about it. I can come up with chore lists and meal planning to help the transition in our household easier. I can set aside special time for my family to ease the guilt.

Some days are better than others. Some days will be great. Some days will suck. This is the life of all parents. This is what I…WE…have signed up for. But there’s no reason to let the emotions overrun us. There’s no reason to think we’re the only ones that feel like we’re crazy.

So…how do deal? How do you anchor and reign in your emotions when you feel out of control? If we’re all in this together, then we need to help each other. You don’t need to spill your guts (I’ve HARDLY touched the surface!), but it’s been very helpful reading other women’s struggles and knowing I’m not alone. And sometimes their ways of coping are useful in my everyday life, too.