3 years...

(Sorry, but the first post back isn't a joyful one...)

Honestly, I woke up this morning and not until noon did it hit me. Between Autumn's routine, having guests in the house since last night, getting some chores done and going over schoolwork...it's all very distracting. And that's something to be thankful for. Because if it wasn't for distractions, moments of sadness would stay with us forever and consume us on a daily basis and what good would that do?

Three years ago my mom died. It's not the only day I think about my mom and so that shouldn't make today too much different than the rest. Most days I'll give myself a moment and then push it away. It's can't consume me. However, when I think of today I think of all that happened on this day and all that lead up to it.

Days earlier - The voicemail from Daddy. The talk with my brother. The decision to drive to NJ to try to get Mommy to see a doctor. The awful drive to NJ filled with news that Mommy's health was worse than anyone really predicted. Hours at the hospital. A restless sleep at home. The phone call that things had gotten worse at the hospital. The bad news. Our last moments. Visiting a funeral home. Picking out her outfit. Making phone calls. The wake. The funeral.

My worst moment was really at the end of the funeral. I kept it pretty well together until that last moment and then had a breakdown.

It's unbelievable how in the course of about one week our lives changed dramatically. I still don't think I can comprehend it all. The saying, "You do what you gotta do" really does come into play in an unexpected situation like that. I went out and bought hair dye and picked out my mother's clothes and dropped stuff off at the funeral home because it HAD to get done and my Dad needed me to do it. All the while feeling like it was wrong and shouldn't be happening and having this serious complex over "What the hell is going on?!"

There is potential for everyday to suck because my Mom has passed away and isn't here physically, but I take great comfort in belief that she's at peace now and watching over my family. I can still hear her. I still talk to her. I wouldn't change what happened either, which sounds twisted, but things have happened since her death that would not have happened had she been alive and I wouldn't want those things to go away either. It just is what it is. That's life. Everyday could suck, but it doesn't because I've come to peace with the situation.

HOWEVER, today sucks. Period. It sucks because I have memories that I can't make disappear. I have a tendency to hold onto bad memories and this definitely qualifies. Images are burned into my brain. Conversation replay over and over again. I still have dreams about everything. I wake up and feel like I've relived it all. Sometimes the dream changes to bring me more comfort. Sometimes it gets worse.

So, today, I will remember. Unfortunately. All the bad stuff. However, I will also be thankful for distractions and try to keep myself busy by running errands and playing with my little girl! I will concentrate on happy thoughts. PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS...no, really...our visiting friends are bringing back a puppy from VA today, lol!

Ok. I will leave you with one semi-funny thought. My family now jokes about how, when faced with certain situations, I can be very determined and nothing will stop me. Like when I couldn't reach my younger brother to tell him about my mom's health. What did I do? I called Dover Air Force Base, instructed each and every person on the phone that I NEEDED to speak to my brother's commanding officer due to a family emergency and when I was finally patched thru I told his commanding officer that he needed to send someone to my brother's apartment (OFF BASE!) immediately and wake him up to get him to drive to NJ. I didn't give a rat's ass who I was talking to - I needed something done and it was going to happen! (And it did!)

A random breastfeeding discussion...

***Disclaimer - I do not care if you breastfeed, pump & bottle feed, formula feed, gave natural birth, gladly accepted the needle-in-the-back, begged your doc for a c-section, cloth diaper, use sposies, etc. I do not believe that I am better than anyone else for choosing the paths that I've taken. I AM; however, an advocate for women & families choosing to make educuated decisions that fit their lifestyles the best. Whatever is best for you will be best for your baby and that is the ultimate goal = HAPPY FAMILIES!

So...moving on...

I was breastfeeding Autumn tonight before bed and I began to think about how wonderfully lucky I am that our breastfeeding journey has gone so well. Have I mentioned this before? I know I have! And it's not bragging - it's me NOT taking for granted just how lucky we are. Because there are women who struggle. I've read their posts. I've talked to them in person. I've seen it first hand sitting right next to my best friend. If you were to sak me if breastfeeding was easy, my answer would be ABSOLUTELY NOT. Not because my experience has been hard, but because it can be hard and no matter what, it takes a lot of time and effort regardless of if you have problems.

Sometimes I feel guilt for having no troubles. Tonight I pondered this thought. Why did/do I not have problems? Really...why? The main problems I hear about are usually latching, supply, and thrush. I didn't have any of these. Why, why, why? And then the thought of my natural birth came into my head. Did that have anything to do with it?

I'm not a researcher. I'm not a doctor. And I've hardly talked to enough women to find out. But it's a question that makes me curious. Perhaps they've already done this research (and if there is a study out there about this...please send it to me...I'm very curious). But if they haven't done this study, wouldn't it be nice to know if a natural birth vs. birth that called for medications had anything to do with it?

The variables would be numerous - which medications were used, the dosages given, perhaps the type of birth (vaginal vs. c/s), etc. But overall, my questions is, does medication have a lasting effect on breastfeeding? Do meds disrupt something that makes it harder for a child to latch on? Do meds do something to horomones that would make it harder for milk to come in when its supposed to, resulting in a low supply and discouraging women from waiting it out? Is it possible meds could completely take away a woman's milk supply? Can meds make a woman's body more likely to have thrush?

Or maybe it's just chance. It's just a completely natural thing.

Or maybe it's a little bit of both.

I don't know. And that's that. I DO NOT KNOW. I'm not assuming anything. I'm not saying these are side effects. I'm just curious.

Birth Reflection

Now that it's been almost a month I have had some time to reflect on my birth experience.



PAIN: Did it hurt? Well...as my brother likes to say, Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes. It hurt. In fact, it was the MOST painful thing I have ever physically experienced. I actually NEVER shed a single tear either. Seriosuly. Not one tear. Until afterwards and those were tears of joy, so they don't count. There is a big difference between pain and suffering and I never suffered. I did contemplate drugs...for about 5 minutes...but NEVER the epidural. I was never going to have a needle stuck in my back. Ever. Even when my child's head was at the peak of crowning and it burned like a ring of fire and I wanted to die! I obviously did NOT decide to have any drugs because an internal check revealed I was 9cm +3 station and I was allowed to start pushing! As soon as her head was out, all the pain went away!

I pushed for less than 2 hours, which was amazing! Everyone birth experience is very different and everyone has a different sort of pain tolerance. But I did not find it to be a traumatizing experience or nearly as horrible as some women have described. Perhaps it depends on your mental, physical and emtional preparation. I will surely be doing natural labor for my future children!

HOSPITAL: I obviosuly did not get my water birth. I did not get to birth at the birth center. I birthed at the hospital. Am I disappointed? Actually, no. I had a successful, beautiful and natural birth and that is what really matters to me. Water would've been a plus, but I think the hot shower made up for it! I also like to think that while I birthed in a hospital, I did not have a "hospital birth." I did not have a doctor in the room, there were no funky instruments used to get my child out, there was no unnecessary medical intervention, no one being super pushy and annoying, etc. My birth team was exactly what I would have had at the birth center - my husband, my midwife, and a nurse. The only difference was, my nurse was someone who worked at the hospital full-time. I was, however, VERY LUCKY in that my nurse ALSO worked at the birth center part-time AND her mom is one of the lactation consultants at the birth center. My nurse tries to get as many as the birth center transfers as possible in order to allow for as many natural births as possible. Many of the other nurses are not nearly as understanding about natural birth/birth center transfers as she is.

So, I think the reason I'm not upset about my hospital transfer is because it didn't end up being all that different than I wanted. We were there to monitor Autumn more closely and that was all that was important.

OTHER RANDOMNESS: the stretchy gauze underwear should be sold in all department stores and become part of every women's underwear drawer because those things are the most fantastic and comfortable underwear i've ever worn and I never ever wanted to go back to my other stuff, but alas...the time for wearing the stretchy gauze underwear only lasts so long:o(