A random breastfeeding discussion...

***Disclaimer - I do not care if you breastfeed, pump & bottle feed, formula feed, gave natural birth, gladly accepted the needle-in-the-back, begged your doc for a c-section, cloth diaper, use sposies, etc. I do not believe that I am better than anyone else for choosing the paths that I've taken. I AM; however, an advocate for women & families choosing to make educuated decisions that fit their lifestyles the best. Whatever is best for you will be best for your baby and that is the ultimate goal = HAPPY FAMILIES!

So...moving on...

I was breastfeeding Autumn tonight before bed and I began to think about how wonderfully lucky I am that our breastfeeding journey has gone so well. Have I mentioned this before? I know I have! And it's not bragging - it's me NOT taking for granted just how lucky we are. Because there are women who struggle. I've read their posts. I've talked to them in person. I've seen it first hand sitting right next to my best friend. If you were to sak me if breastfeeding was easy, my answer would be ABSOLUTELY NOT. Not because my experience has been hard, but because it can be hard and no matter what, it takes a lot of time and effort regardless of if you have problems.

Sometimes I feel guilt for having no troubles. Tonight I pondered this thought. Why did/do I not have problems? Really...why? The main problems I hear about are usually latching, supply, and thrush. I didn't have any of these. Why, why, why? And then the thought of my natural birth came into my head. Did that have anything to do with it?

I'm not a researcher. I'm not a doctor. And I've hardly talked to enough women to find out. But it's a question that makes me curious. Perhaps they've already done this research (and if there is a study out there about this...please send it to me...I'm very curious). But if they haven't done this study, wouldn't it be nice to know if a natural birth vs. birth that called for medications had anything to do with it?

The variables would be numerous - which medications were used, the dosages given, perhaps the type of birth (vaginal vs. c/s), etc. But overall, my questions is, does medication have a lasting effect on breastfeeding? Do meds disrupt something that makes it harder for a child to latch on? Do meds do something to horomones that would make it harder for milk to come in when its supposed to, resulting in a low supply and discouraging women from waiting it out? Is it possible meds could completely take away a woman's milk supply? Can meds make a woman's body more likely to have thrush?

Or maybe it's just chance. It's just a completely natural thing.

Or maybe it's a little bit of both.

I don't know. And that's that. I DO NOT KNOW. I'm not assuming anything. I'm not saying these are side effects. I'm just curious.

Birth Story (very loooong!)

Got your popcorn & soda? Good! Because this is going to be a pretty long story!

6:30pm Monday (2/8) - I had JUST left work. Rob (boss-man) had come home that night since Ann had something work related to be at. He had given me "permission" to go ahead and have the baby "whenever!" because the grandparents were on their way back to the state, the mom's comferences were now over and some sense of normalcy was returning to the home where my need to be there was not urgent. So, I'm a few blocks away from the house and all of a sudden I felt three significant GUSHES of fluid. I'd been having leakage, which is normal, but this was entirely different! And I thought, "If this isn't my water breaking, I don't know what else it could be!" I had a feeling we'd be having a baby very soon. I called Rob to tell him that my daughter apparently listened to our coversation and decided she wanted to come out within the next day - I was likely not going to be at work the following day (and THAT is what you get for telling a pregnant woman she can go into labor!). I called Shawn, who was down the street from our house. He said he'd meet me at home. I called Boo who was just as ecstatic as I was. AND I called the birth center. Sarah was on-call. She instructed us to eat a decent dinner and call back by 8pm, about an hour later, and we'd make up a "plan."

We eat spaghetti. We went for a walk around the block - it was COLD! Shawn showered. Meanwhile I had had a few more significant gushes. My fluid was clear. None of my contractions were timeable and felt nothing more than my usual Braxton Hicks.

We called Sarah back at 8. We made a plan to meet at the birth center at 930 to be monitored. Shawn drove. On the way there I had maybe 3 contractions I could time at about 10 minutes apart, which is still very early in labor. We arrive and I get a dose of anti-biotics for my Group B Strep. That took about 20 minutes. They monitored Autumn to see if she would do some "tricks" - basically, that her heart rate would go up by about 10-15 beats per minute during my contractions. It took her awhile and she was kind of lazy about it, but she finally did enough that Sarah was happy. Because I was Strep B positive, she said she would NOT do an internal check because of risk for infection. Also, they generally like to see me in ACTIVE labor within 12 hours and have the baby within 24 hours. She sent us away with a shopping list: 4oz of castor oil, ice cream, & peanut butter cups. And rest! If I was not in active labor by 4am, I was to miz 2 oz of castor oil with 1 cup of ice cream and chase it with a peanut butter cup. And we were to arrive back at the birth center between 6-7am.

Not much had been happening in regards to contractions. Oh, and while at the birth center they had checked my undies - which I hadn't leaked in awhile - to test for amniotic fluid and it came up negative. So on the way home I was like, "Did my water really break? Or am I stupid and this is a total bust and I'm wasting everyone's time?" I was second-guessing myself completely. Then we got to Walgreens, picked up our shopping list, and while we were there ANOTHER 2 gushes came and went. I was SURE that this was a sign I was having a baby. We checked out, ran to Cookout for food because Shawn was hungry, and got home about 1145pm. Sarah called just as we walked in the door and now SHE was second-guessing that my water broke because she had looked at my chart and saw that I had questions about leaking the week before. But I told her that this was definitely a different feeling and that it had just happened again while we were at the store. She said that she believed me, she was okay with everything and we were to follow the plan.

I went to bed at 12am and woke up at 3:30am. No sign of active labor. I drank the castor oil milkshake - was it yummy? Absolutely not. Was it awful? Not really. I thought of it as a really gross protein shake for dieting that I just had to drink once and get it over with...and then I chased it with the peanut butter cup to get rid of the texture in my mouth.

Nothing happened. Well...about 20 minutes later I had some tummy rumbles and hit the bathroom, but it wasn't explosive or anything and afterwards I felt fine. Not even hard line contractions. I woke Shawn up at 5am CRYING because I thought everything was a waste of time and I was stupid and I was going to feel so embarrassed walking back into the birth center where they'd tell me I was NOT in labor:o( Shawn reassured me that I knew my body, my water HAD broken, and we were having a baby soon. He was exhausted and that's not a good combination with driving, so because I felt absolutely nothing going on with me, I drove.

Yes, I drove.

And about half way there I started getting some significant menstrual like cramping going on. While driving. Surprisingly, though, I felt very much in control. And it wasn't until we hit the birth center that the cramping was so bad Shawn had to help me out of the car! We got there at 630am. I spent the first 30 minutes in the bathroom trying to get rid of cramping that was a result of the castor oil. And then...

POP! Holy Niagra Falls!!!! I gushed fluid for almost a straight 20 minutes! My water had officially ruptured! When I felt a little better I got into the bed. I received another dose of antibiotics. Autumn's heart rate was high - PROBLEM ONE. So they gave me more IV fluid, too, to hydrate me. After another 30 mins I really needed to pee, so I asked Shawn to help me up from the bed and as he did I felt this flowing water from below me that I couldn't stop. I FREAKED OUT! SHAWN...help me up! Get me to the bathroom!

I was soaked! You know the movie Coneheads when her water breaks and floods the place? That was me! Somewhat embarrassed, but laughing hysterically at what had just happened. It was all clear, so that was a good sign. And they checked her heartrate afterwards and it was back down to normal - apparently she just wanted some more room, so the absence of all that fluid made her happy. I showered afterwards because I felt gross. By this time the menstrual cramps from the castor oil had subsided and the result - which is expected from the castor oil treatment - was the start of regular contractions.

After the shower things were just chill. I'd have contractions. Her heartrate went a little high again. Sarah went off duty and Leigh-Ann came on duty, this was around 730-8am. During contractions I enjoyed squatting a lot and leaning up against the bed. Shawn remembered from birth class that he could come behind me and squat with me and then pull my belly up during contractions and this helped a lot! At one point I was getting through contractions by rocking in a rocking chair. Leigh-Ann said she wanted me to go upstairs, if I could, to have the baby be monitored on the machines. I said, "Ok, I'm just enjoying rocking right now, it's really helping, give me a minute." So what did they do? I get upstairs and they had set up a rocking chair with the machine in the LIBRARY! Which also happened to the be there small staff room where they all get their morning coffee and breakfast. And here I am with a towel around my waist and robe around my top and nekid everywhere else...and did I care?! Nope! I had no modesty!!!! It went out the window when contraction hit, people! If they didn't care - I didn't care.

Good news was that PROBLEM ONE (high heartrate) was normal. Now we had PROBLEM TWO - she wasn't doing the "trick" where her heartrate was jumping during a contraction. She was sleeping through my contractions - lazy child! They tried to wake her up by honking this bicycle horn at my belly and it did nothing. So what did we do?

Me: "Shawn...don't you have your IPOD?"
Shawn: "Yea...what do you want me to do? Play her some Slayer?"
Me: "YES!"
Leigh-Ann: "It's worth a shot!"

So, yea...we played heavy metal into my belly via IPOD headphones and it WORKED! Within 5-10 minutes Leigh-Ann said her heartrate had done the jumping she wanted done. PROBLEM TWO was solved! Also, Leigh-Ann finally wanted to do an internal check - I was 3cm and +2 station (she was already pretty darn low!). This was around, maybe 10-11am. With all the issues solved we went back downstairs to labor, Leigh-Ann was sure we could have the baby at the birth center, everything was OK!

We got back downstairs and I hit the bathroom again. I was int hebathroom I'd say 80-90% of the time I had contractions. It helped pass a lot more fluid and I was just comfy there. All of a sudden I noticed some "green show" on my pads. Merconium. DAMMIT! Leigh-Ann said that "tipped the scales" and after a talk with Maureen, another midwife, the decision was to go to the hospital for better monitoring. They just needed to make sure the baby was okay and honestly, I didn't care where I birthed - I just wanted my baby to be ok.

We left between 11a-12p (I think). The car ride was the worst.five.minute.ride.ever.

Jessie was our nurse - she also happens to be the daughter of a woman who works at the birth center - so that was comforting that she knew how we hoped our birth would go and she wouldn't be a pushy hospital person. We were only in the room a short while before I hopped into the shower. I took a LONG HOT HOT HOT shower - for at least an hour. I would stand during my contractions. squat as they faded and sit while they were gone. I was just starting to think to myself, "How much more can I take? Will I ask for pain meds? Can I finish this out?" I hopped out of the shower and it was just Leigh-Ann and I in the room. She asked me, "If you ask for meds, what do you want me to tell you? Do you want me to say 'no' or try to talk you out of it? Or do you want me to give them to you?" I asked what my options were: 1) epi - to which I said NO! and 2) Stadol (sp?) which would take the edge off, but I'd still feel it all. I asked to be checked first, before giving an answer, to see where were at. It had only been a couple of hours since I was 3cm, so we weren't expecting a huge change, BUT Leigh-Ann did say, "If you are at 8cm, I'm not giving you anything!"

I was 9cm +3 station! HA! So much for even the idea of drugs. Not happening. Also, since I was far enough along and the baby was so low she gave me permission to start bearing down if it felt better to do so. And I did. I began pushing a little after 1:30pm!

Position 1 - I was flat on my back. It worked for awhile.

Position 2 - Leigh-Ann raised the head of teh bed so I was in a more squat-like position. It worked a little better.

You really do have trouble figuring out how to push. Leigh-Ann would actually stick a few fingers "down there" and tell me to push her fingers out, which helped A LOT! It was as if X marked the spot! Also, I had a tendency to give out high pitched yelling screams, which weren't helping. Leigh-Ann said I either had to hold my breath and bear down or do low grunting screams. I can't grunt for my life, so holdin my breath and bearing down worked best. My contrations were at least 3, sometimes 4, right on top of one another before getting a break. This was very exhausting. Sometime during this a student knocked on the door and asked if she could come in to help/watch. I yelled "NO!" Generally I'm all for students. Education is awesome! However, I was already too far into pushing and I was comfortable with my birth team that I didn't want anyone else in the room or any other help. So we stuck with my three amigos - Shawn, Leigh-Ann, and Jessie.

Position 3 - Somehow I found the strength to turn around and get on my hands and knees up against the back of the bed. This position was probably the first in which I could feel I was moving her down. I was really starting to understand a GOOD PUSH and there were a few times that pushing did not, I repeat DID NOT hurt, but felt good. It was like a relief to get her moving down. I did not have many of those pushes, but when they did happen I thought to myself, "That really felt pretty good! I want to do one of those again!"

Position 4 - Leigh-Ann asked for the squat bar to be put across the bottom of the bed. I was SO tired and I hurt so much I told her I couldn't do it. I couldn't move myself to the edge of the bed, I couldn't pull myself up, and I certainly could hold myself up while bearing down. What happened? I did it all. It didn't work for long. We were having trouble getting her under my pelvic bone.

Position 5 - The head of the bed was still raised and we played tug-of-war! This was the BEST THING EVER! Leigh-Ann took a shoot and knotted both sides. Shawn & Jessie each took a leg to push back when I had a contraction. During the contraction I would hold my breath, bear down, and pull as hard as I could on the blanket while Leigh-Ann pulled the other side. This is when we were finally able to start seeing the head crown. They asked if I wanted the mirror and I said no. I really thought it would freak me out. Also, because my contractions were on top of one another and I only got a short, MAYBE 45sec-1min break, I was actually falling asleep in about 10 secs and then waking up again with the contractions.

I kept telling Shawn, "I'm so tired," "I want her to come out," "I can't do this," etc. But everyone kept reassuring me and in the back of my head I kept telling myself, "Just get her head out and you'll be done. The sooner her head it out it will all be easy after that. Push hard or this is going to take even longer!"

Position 6 - Things were progressing with every push, but we could not get her under my pelvic bone fast enough. They laid the bed almost all the way down again. I know they say this is the worst position to be in because it doesn't open up your pelvis enough, but it actually worked best for me. However, the last 20 minutes I do distinctly remember hearing a POP and asking "What was that?" but no one had heard it. More on that later...

The more I pushed, the more her head crowned. The finally told me I needed to see it and brought out the mirror. It did not freak me out. It really helped. Of course, when we got the point where her head was just sitting there stretching my vagina and it HURT, it was very hard to relax when I wasn't having a contraction. Seeing her head there I just wanted to keep pushing until she was out!

Due to the merconium at the birth center, NICU had been placed on-call. Leigh-Ann had been debating having them come in or not - she did not want other people in the room if it was unnecessary. Throughout 99% of my pushing I had had nothing but clear fluid, which was great. But near the end I had some more color and Leigh-Ann said she'd scold herself if she didn't bring NICU in the room - after all, the baby's safety was the whole reason we'd come to the hospital.

NICU arrive maybe the last 5-10 mins of my pushing. I was told that as long as the baby came out pink and crying and okay that I would get her immediately and NICU would leave asap. The women with NICU were very supportive - I could see them all in the room and made eye contact with each and every one of them, but it didn't bother me at all.

Then, finally, at 3:30pm she was born. Autumn was fine and came straight to my belly. She had had her hand up near her face & the cord was wrapped around her hand/face combo once - I really believe that her hand being between her face and the cord quite possibly saved us from any real emergency! Shawn said they threw her like a fish on top of me! She was making noises, but not screaming, so they wiped her down and sunctioned her while she was on my chest until they were happy with a single good cry. I delivered the placenta very quickly after that. I was a hysterical mess. I had never missed my Mom so much before. I told Autumn that her Grandma would have thought she was absolutely beautiful. Shawn was a crying mess, too. He was absolutely wonderful and supportive the entire labor. I could not imagine having to go through it without him. He was so strong and provided me with all the emotional support I needed.

After all was said and done NICU had to take her across the room for just a hot second - I guess it's protocol that if they're called in they have to do a few small checks on her. That's when we found out her weight was 9 lbs 4 oz. I had a small tear - not even my perinium. It was actually off to the side and Leigh-Ann gave me a local and stitched me up. Shawn said I should be thankful I didn't see what she was doing because the needle was HUGE and she was really sticking me hard, but all I could feel was pinches. I guess it doesn't really matter after you've just pushed out a 9lb baby! I do believe I received some pitocin to help with bleeding, but they were very please with my uterus getting firm and contracting right away, so it wasn't a major concern. The viatmin K shot was held off until I was breastfeeding her a little while later. We declined the Hep B & the eye goop.

Afterwards, well - phone calls, visitors, checkups from the nurses and doctors, etc. Our midwife, Sarah, came back in the morning to check in on us. She said she would fill out the paperwork to discharge us and we were leaving the hospital noon the next day.

Official stats: Autumn Dawn was born 3:30pm, Tuesday February 9, 2010. 9 lbs 4 oz, 21.25 in long, 13.5 in head cir. She passed her hearing! She breastfeeds like a champ! She sleeps awesome! And she's absolutely perfect<3

More Frustration...

So I think pregnancy horomones are definitely kicking in this last week. Today was pretty wonderful, up until about 30 minutes ago:o/

Mucus plug = signs of progress. Maybe not immediate progress, but SOMETHING. Then I had an awesome massage, felt some body changes, had good chat with Cheryl and left feeling very relaxed and encouraged. I had an awesome Subway lunch and took a lovely 1-1.5 hr nap. Then I sat in the rocking chair while reading all the baby books I've been collecting.

Around 5-530 I got up to pee and noticed a rather not-so-small wet spot on my jeans. Fluid leakage has never progressed past my panties, so this caught me off guard. However, I didn't want to see like the crazy first time preggo - I mean, IF it was my water breaking, wouldn't I have noticed when it happened?! How did I miss this?! So I changed. I had been sitting a lot and thought a walk might help me determine if anything was going on, so I walked around the block. Nothing major occurred. Shawn left for a Superbowl get together. I soon followed after I finished packing "the bag" in case we decided we needed to leave the Superbowl festivities for the birth center.

At the Superbowl GTG nothing major happened. I was still leaking fluid, but not massively and it wasn't all clear, which amniotic fluid is supposed to be - unless it's pink = cervix change or green/black = merconium. So I'm thinking still just regular discharge. I was not having contractions that could be timed or seemed significant, but of course there were pangs here and there and pushes/nudges closer to the pelvic area than usual. So the whole time I'm think....hmm...we'll see. THEN I start getting legs cramps. Granted, I'm not walking or sitting anymore than usual. All night I did some sitting while eating or watching the game and then would get up and walk around to talk to people. So this cramping was weird. It's from the back of my thighs down to my knee and occasionally I can feel it all the way to my feet....more on my right side than my left. Now I'm more like...HMMM...what do we do?

First, called the bff and got her opinion, which said to be safe than sorry and call the birth center. Also, e-mailed the birth teacher who is also a doula to get her opinion. Never got to her response before I decided to just go ahead and give the birth center a call. I didn't want to call. Really I didn't because I had a feeling I'd be told "No, you're fine, stay home" but I also feared "Sure, come in, we'll check" and THEN get told, "nothing, go home" and I would feel like I wasted everyone's time on a Sunday night. But I CALLED! And who do I get?! "K!" DAMMIT MAN!

Immediately I'm not thrilled. Go back to the other posts about "K" and you'll be reminded that she's my least favorite midwife. (SIDE NOTE: For as prepared as I am my cell phone was just about DEAD so in the middle of a phone conversation as I'm driving home I kept losing her and had to wait to get home to call her back...talk about wanting to smack yourself in the head!) So her opinion: it doesn't sound like your water breaking, but your body is probably reviing up for birth but it's REALLY early, watch for color changes in your discharge, get some rest. I have a problem with NONE of this advice - it's what I called her for right? Her professional opinion?

But

1) she just saw me on WED and I could tell she had NO CLUE who she was talking to. I understand a lot of patients come in and out of the office, but they only take so many per month to try to make sure they don't have an overwhleming number of births going on at once, SO...don't you think if you're on duty you should have an idea of who might be nearing the 40 week mark since you're likely to hear from them more often than your other patients?!

2) she has one of those tones of voice that is SO NICE, but you feel she's being condescending, but you can't call her out on it because she's being so nice. DAMMIT!

3) Everyone has personalities that clash with others. I'm sure "K" does a great job at births. I'm sure I'd survive if she was my midwife. After all, we don't get a choice to see who is on call, so whatever happens will happen. BUT, she's not my favorite. She's my least favorite. And I feel somewhat bad about that, but I can't help it. She has more professional, clinicalness to her than bedside manner and that is not what I want in my birth. So, I respect her opinions and I certainly do TRUST them - by no means do I think she should have said something different. But, AGAIN, after talking with her I don't feel great. I feel discouraged and frustrated and I really wish I had gotten to talk to someone else.

I've now showered. And I'm going to lay down. And go to bed. And we'll just keep an eye on things. And tomorrow I will feel better and things are going to work out the way they are supposed to and I won't have to feel "lost" anymore during this pregnancy.

Naturally Inducing...

Oh, for shits and giggles I've been experimenting (safely) with getting the baby out. Obviously, she's still in me, so nothing has worked yet. But let's keep a running record...shall we?



~Full moon (Jan 30) - NADA

~Low pressure weather system - NOPE (and we've had two the past 1-2 weeks)

~Eggplant Parm - supposedly this isn't supposed to take long to work and since I had it around 2pm this afternoon and it's not 730, I'm going to consider this a FAIL

~Rasberry Leaf Tea - tasty, but a no-go (DISCLAIMER: I didn't get tea that was strictly red rasberry leaf only, so this might have something to do with it. I got "Rasberry Zinger" from Celestial Tea that has several other natural ingredients, but includes rasberry leaves)



I do believe some things have helped make some progress. Ever since I found out her position wasn't the greatest I've worked on some exercises that I feel have positioned her better and helped her move down. This includes hands & knees positioning in which I've done pelvic rocking, hip swivels, and other weird lower abdominal movement that would probably be highly amusing to watch. I've also been doing serious squats - I strattle a door and hang onto the door handles and then bend down and get a really great stretch in the pelvic area. It works a lot better than regular squats because I can hold myself up and get a deeper stretch. I've also been doing butterfly stretches to help stretch out my inner thighs and pelvis, which I'm hoping will help during labor.

I also started Evening Primrose Oil. This is not to induce labor, but it softens the cervix. I take two daily (one morning, one night) and then I use one...um...up "there" at night. It's a gel capsule that disintegrates. Needless to say the first night I used it I woke up and thought my water broke because there was more fluid leakage than normal, but I've come to realize that that is just what happens.

Pressure Points! They certainly make her move! When I saw Cheryl last Tuesday it was fun to notice Autumn move when Cheryl hit certain pressure points. The most effective one is HOKU, which is the pressure point on your hand between your thumb & index finger. It didn't start labor last Tuesday, but I tried it on myself tonight and sure enough she started moving! We'll see if this progresses into anything. Also, there's the Spleen32 (?) I think it's called, but it's on your back, so I can't do it myself. There's also an ankle one...you go four fingers' width from the ankle bone (on the inside of the leg) and rub that pressure point. I can't really figure that one out.

No worries though. I'm seeing Cheryl tomorrow morning @ 1030 and she will be sure to hit all those points thoroughly and help Autumn come out!!! I'm so excited!

I've also been walking. I went to the mall today to get a book and did about half a lap around the mall before heading out AND I was parked in East Bumblef*$% so I'm sure that helped.

What else? Oh, the spicy food rumor! I haven't tried it. Most recently I was told the "Bang Bang Shrimp" from Bonefish Grill does the trick. If nothing happens this week I think I'll be trying it out. Generally, I do not like spicy food, so it's kinda last on my list.

I'll keep updating with new ideas and experiments until she comes along:o)

Feeling Frustrated - 39 week appt

SO our appt went okay, but not great. Wake County schools were closed AGAIN, so in order to make sure my awesome bosses didn't have to take more time off in the mornings I took the two kiddos to the appt with me. Not a big deal, really, but making sure a 4 year doesn't take out every.single.toy in the play area and make it a "tripping zone" for other preggos does make one a little crazy.

I got there early since they've been extra busy it seems. Sure enough today was busy, too, so I was actually seen downstairs by "K" in the green room.

I'm up another 1.5 lbs, just like last week, so that's a total of 171 l bs, up 39 total.

My blood pressure was higher than normal the first time is was taken. "K" didn't like that, so by the end of the visit she took it again and it was back to normal.

"K" took forever finding the heartbeat. Knowing that my child was a little sluggish this morning and then her taking awhile to find the heartbeat made me very nervous. Normally if they can't find it right away on one side they move the dopplar around to find it elsewhere. No. She didn't. She stayed in ONE spot and when she finally found it, it was awfully quiet sounding - like very far away sounding. She probably would have gotten a stronger "thump-thump" if she had moved the other side of my belly, but no.

Also, she said the baby's head is a little "cock-eyed" over my pelvis instead of being lined up straight-on. This is why the baby isn't dropping. She gave me some suggestions on how to get her to move, which I'll be trying adamently in the next week. This make me very nervous. I have one week to change her position and get her to drop. After full term I think I have only two weeks before they send me to the hospital - and really the extra bills that I'm pretty sure come along with that are not something I'm looking forward to.

Also, I can still go into labor at anytime. Which is what I've wanted. But now I'm worried about her being in the right position. I'm sure if I went into labor the midwives would do everything and anything possible to help her move into a good position for laboring naturally, but if they don't think she's going to come out the way she is now and they can't get her to move - I'm not looking forward to dealing with that.

I'm sure it doesn't help that "K" isn't my favorite midwife. I know - we don't get to pick and choose, but still. Shawn said it perfect, she a little "cold and clinical." I think I would have felt more warm and fuzzy and somewhat less discouraged if I'd had someone else.

I'm off to go e-mail my massage therapist and my Bradley teacher to see if they have more suggestions to get her into position. Let's hope she moves soon and drops down.

Joke for ya...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other SLIDE! haha

That's from an awesome 4 year old I know!

Over the weekend I've slowly transitioned myself to sleeping on the couch. It started with naps. Then last night it became my bed. I tried to sleep in the bedroom, but I just cannot do it. Our bed is not pregnancy-friendly...especially with really bad heartburn. I can't prop myself up well enough, I can't lay on my side with a pillow comfortably enough, and getting in/out just sucks and is very painful. I LOVE our couch. I do! The comfiest couch I've ever sat on. But I miss my husband & my dogs. Shawn's so supportive. I know he misses me, but like he told me tonight "It's temporary, it's not a big deal." And he's right - I guess we're lucky this has only started when I've got 9 days left til my due date when it could have started months ago.

Braxton Hicks are intense tonight. But that's nothing spectacularly new.

Tomorrow I go for a massage! With Cheryl - the specialist who came to our child birth class! I'm SO excited!!!!! I'm hoping she can help things move along - she's good like that!

Wednesday is the 39 week birth center appointment.

Friday is the day that Shawn & Will (7 yrs old) both say Autumn will arrive - they said this on separate occasions not knowing the other one suggested it. Kinda freaky.

Sunday is the Superbowl. And the day Aunt Becky said her "niece" will arrive.

Oh...who knows.

38 week update

I'll make this short b/c I'm actually really tired and don't feel like typing today.

Weight up 1.5 lbs in a week
Heartbeat 160s.
Measuring 37.5 cms - she hasn't dropped again, but she's definitely lower than last week, so it's just a waiting game.
VERY active & excited at her appointment today.

I'm Strep B positive. Not a big deal. If my water breaks I'll likely be asked to go in right away & start antibiotics - if I am in labor w/ just contractions & my water has NOT broken yet, I'll still labor at home, but not for a long period of time like I would if I didn't have Strep B. They just want to make sure they get antibiotics into me at least 4 hrs before the baby is born. They'll put in an IV, give me the meds, unhook me after the first dose and let me be as mobile as I want and only continue to provide meds if I'm in labor every four hours.

Also, instead of a max of 6 hrs, we'll be staying at least 12 hrs AFTER the birth to monitor the baby and make sure she doesn't get Strep B. Should be fine. Means extra quiet time at the center, extra guidance and care w/ the midwives & extra help in taking care of a new baby.

They also checked to make sure my fluid leakage from yesterday wasn't my water breaking - it wasn't. Just excess preggo fluid:o) Fun stuff! No real yay or nay on when she might come, but they're ready when I'm ready...so we just need Autumn to be ready!

OH! And I met the new student midwife & I really like her! I know she did her first waterbirth last week that went great, so that makes me very excited if she is around when we go into labor!

Quick read articles...

Some articles I found this morning related to pregnancy & pregnancy health.

C-section rates around globe at ‘epidemic’ levels

Longer nursing may aid kids’ mental health

Mother’s gum disease linked to infant's death

Breastfeeding may curb heart, diabetes risk

More women choose do-it-yourself births (Fear not...this will NEVER be an option in our future. But to each her own!)

Busy and baffled, new moms hire baby planners (I have a wonderful bff who served as my expert baby planning helper!)

37 week appointment

Needless to say my child is a PITA. Or as Aunt Becky says "tricky."

They took blood & my iron levels are up, but barely. However, I've been taking iron supplements as well as my pre-natals, but iron takes a few weeks to work into your bloodstream, so all should be well when baby comes. The midwife, my FAV, "A" didn't even say anything about my levels, so she obviously wasn't so concerned. Blood pressure is fine, as usual.

We went over the birth plan. She liked it. It'll be awesome. I do need to remember to draw a map & write down directions for when the nurse visits my home the day after.

We did the Strep B test. No big deal. Results soon.

Heartbeat - strong & healthy!

Then we checked on baby. Oh Autumn! She is no longer "engaged" or dropped. She is still head down, which is great news, but I'm measuring back at exactly 37 weeks - right on time. It seems she didn't like being engaged so early, so she came back up to just swim around the top of my pelvis. It doesn't mean anything, really, but it does explain why I still feel her so much in my ribs - moreso than I did when she dropped - and it's basically because she's back up. She can still come at anytime and while she is uncomfortable and it's getting harder to get comfy, I'm a very patient person - really, I am!

I've gained 5 lbs in the last 2 - 2.5 weeks, so I'm officially at the 35lb mark:o) I've been doing nothing but eating, so I'm not surprised:o)

I was told I can start taking Evening Primrose oil to help things move along. I've set up my WEEKLY appointments for the rest of the pregnancy...next one is on Wed - my Mom's birthday - which is the same day I keep telling everyone she's going to be born, so we'll see!

And that's about it. Shawn was at this visit & it made it a lot more fun and enjoyable. I'm so glad I have a loving and supportive husband and I am 100% confident in his ability to help me through labor and the rest of the parenting process we're about to endure. I'm so excited & I hope Autumn is ready to come out soon because I can't wait to meet her!

35 week appt

Ok..ALMOST 35 week appt! 34 weeks and 5 days. And things are getting interesting!

I met with "A" again - who I loved at our second visit and I still love! She's just awesome. I told her I was getting concerned about her being so far ahead in measurment and the conflicting due dates between my last menstrual cycle and the 7 week ultrasound. I mean - it's a 2 week difference and God forbid I go into labor before the 2/10 due date says I'm "full term" I'd be forced to deliver in the hospital...which would suck.

But "A" confirmed that u/s at 7 weeks is actually very accurate - usually only off by 3 days at the most - and that's why they'd stick with the 2/10 due date. She felt confident that I'd make it to full term. And that makes me feel better.

HOWEVER...she does NOT think I'll be making it to my due date. At my last visit (33 weeks) I was measuring 2 weeks ahead at 35 cms. This week I was only measuring at 32 cms. Why this drastic 3 cm change? Because she's already dropped! A lot. She's low. Very low. Which, honestly, I could have told anyone considering this weekend I thought she was trying to punch her way out of my girlie parts!!!! Not the more comfortable feeling, I assure you!

"A" said that generally, once the baby drops, the baby has about 4 more weeks. So, depending on WHEN she dropped since my last visit I could possibly only have another 3-4 weeks to go (anywhere from the 37-39th week). I'm not surprised. Well, I am. I mean I knew she was low. I've always said she was coming early. But someone giving you confirmation that it's actually possible - totally different!

Then again, knowing my silly luck, she'll end up being like a week late! HA! Wouldn't that be funny?! No, not really. But again, it's always possible! Talk about driving someone who's always been a planner compeletely crazy!

And that it. In 2 weeks I go back for my Strep B test and then I begin going to the center weekly!

Here are the basic stats:

Weight - 5 lb gain; total 30lbs in 34.5 weeks
HB - 150bpm
Position - head down! and very low
Belly measurement - 32cms (dropped)

33 week Birth Center Appt!

Autumn is rockin and rollin! Met with "S" today. She was the last midwife I had yet to meet. She's not timid. She's got this attitude that's somewhat unpleasant and doesn't make me feel all "happy and cheerful" around, but it doesn't put me off. She REALLY reminded me of a few friends that are really cool people, but have "tough" attitudes and sometimes I just can't stand to be around, but most of the time I don't care. She's definitely no nonesense and I'd be cool with her being my midwife if that's the way things worked out.

I lost 2 lbs. ::GASP!:: Lol! Just another reason I LOVE the birth center...they didn't really care. I know some doctors would probably freak the heck out if a preggo woman lost 2 lbs at 33 weeks. But, hoenstly? There's simple explanations. 1 - my last visit was in the morning so I was bundled in jeans and a huge, heavy sweatshirt when most of the time my visits have been in light clothing, 2 - b/c the last visit was in the morning i was likely still retaining all my morning water weight and what not compared to everything that's already been flushed out by 230pm and 3 - it was RIGHT AFTER THANKSGIVING! I mean sheesh - 8 lbs in 3 weeks? The turkey, stuffing, and PIE had something to do with all that weight! Obviously I have not been eating like that consistently since my last visit and I've been more active since then. SO, a 2 lb weight loss? Not a big deal!

Also, Autumn has been active enough for me not to worry. AND she's measuring TWO WEEKS ahead! That's right. Belly measurement is at 35cm. Two weeks ago it was 31cm. She's gone 4 cm in 2 weeks...what could cause this? Oh, let's be the nice midwife who says, "It could just be her positioning today." Yea...I doubt that. Considering everyone who has seen me in the past week says my belly has gotten HUGE, I'm thinking this isn't a positioning thing...this is...I'm having a big baby. Or she is coming early. Or both. FUN!

They're not worried about me going away for the holidays. I've been given a copy of my records just in case something happen while we're up there, but we should be fine. I have to get out of the car every 2 hours to walk and stretch.

Next appt is in two weeks! And that's about that. Here are the overal quick stats:

Belly Measurement: 35cms
Weight: 158lbs
Heartbeat: 140s bpm
Position: still HEAD DOWN!

32 weeks...getting interesting!

Things have changed so much in the past week!

Physically, things are getting harder. As of last night I suffered the most severe heartburn at 3am and it was trying its best to make me sick. Also, from 7pm until I went to bed I had consistent Braxton Hicks. I've had them almost my entire pregnancy, but these didn't go away last night - constant pressure in my abdomen. They aren't painful, but they take a lot out of me physically. The only way to relieve some of the pressure was to squat in front of the couch and bend over the cushions. At one point, since this was all new to me, I thought...am I going into early labor? Do I need to make a phone call? But I figured if that was true it would only get worse, I'd know soon enough, so I might as well just wait out. And there's MORE...after the 3am issues with heartburn that I had me gettin gout of bed every 5 minutes, I woke up a few hours later with chest pain. The baby is low AND kicking the crap out of me, but apparently that's also affecting my lungs and chest, so I feel this constant pressure in my chest like someone is sitting on me. It's fabulous. Really. I'm having a great time:oP

Emotionally, I'm up and down. I'm thrilled school is done. However, other non-baby things have been going on that stress me out. Baby-related though, I'm GREAT! I keep seeing these beautiful babies (especially girls) and I'm so ready to meet Autumn. I saw this little baby girl today who was SO cute and SO quiet being carried around by her grandpa and I thought "I can't wait to see my Daddy holding my little girl!" It was so beautiful that I'm so ready to see it for my own eyes. I'm ready to give birth - I know that sounds crazy. But I'm ready for this special moment for me and Shawn, together! I'm just SO excited for this little girl and I'm so in love with her that I wish it was February 10!

So today is my last day of work until Jan. My next dr's appt is next Tuesday. Wednesday night we'll be leaving for NJ. Christmas will be all sorts of fun & craziness. Giants game (gosh, I'm going to FREEZE!) is Sunday. And then I'll have a whole week of relaxation before returning to work. And then it's just chilling out for a month until Autumn decides to arrive. It's crazy how fast it went, but I wouldn't change anything...except the heartburn, lol!

PPD article from my Bradley class

Can I just say how awesome my Bradley instructor is? I mean, she goes beyond teaching the basics and takes time to send out e-mails on interesting articles she has read and deems relevant. Totally cool!

So, here's a copy from what she sent in regards to post-partum depression & fathers.


From the New York Times, 12/07/09
Postpartum Depression Strikes Fathers, Too
By RICHARD A. FRIEDMAN, M.D.
The pregnancy was easy, the delivery a breeze. This was the couple’s first baby, and they were thrilled. But within two months, the bliss of new parenthood was shattered by postpartum depression.
A sad, familiar story. But this one had a twist: The patient who came to me for treatment was not the mother but her husband.
A few weeks after the baby arrived, he had become uncharacteristically anxious, sad and withdrawn. He had trouble sleeping, even though his wife was the one up at night breast-feeding their new son. What scared her enough to bring him to my office was that he had become suicidal.
Up to 80 percent of women experience minor sadness — the so-called baby blues — after giving birth, and about 10 percent plummet into severe postpartum depression. But it turns out that men can also have postpartum depression, and its effects can be every bit as disruptive — not just on the father but on mother and child.
We don’t know the exact prevalence of male postpartum depression; studies have used different methods and diagnostic criteria. Dr. Paul G. Ramchandani, a psychiatrist at the University of Oxford in England who did a study based on 26,000 parents, reported in The Lancet in 2005 that 4 percent of fathers had clinically significant depressive symptoms within eight weeks of the birth of their children. But one thing is clear: It isn’t something most people, including physicians, have ever heard of.
At first, my patient insisted that everything was just fine. He and his wife had been trying to conceive for more than a year. He was ecstatic at the prospect of fatherhood, and he did not acknowledge feeling depressed or suicidal.
Suspicious of his rosy appraisal, I pushed a little.
It turned out that he had just taken a new high-pressure job in finance six months before the birth of his son. Though he was reluctant to admit it, he clearly had more than a little concern about his family’s financial future.
And he was anxious about his marriage and his new life. “We go out a lot with friends to dinner and theater,” he said wistfully, as I recall. “Now I guess that’s all going to end.”
He had spent the nine months of pregnancy in a state of excitement about being a father without really registering what a life-transforming event it was going to be.
Unlike women, men are not generally brought up to express their emotions or ask for help. This can be especially problematic for new fathers, since the prospect of parenthood carries all kinds of insecurities: What kind of father will I be? Can I support my family? Is this the end of my freedom?
And there is probably more to male postpartum depression than just social or psychological stress; like motherhood, fatherhood has its own biology, and it may actually change the brain.
A 2006 study on marmoset monkeys, published in the journal Nature Reviews Neuroscience, reported that new fathers experienced a rapid increase in receptors for the hormone vasopressin in the brain’s prefrontal cortex. Along with other hormones, vasopressin is involved in parental behavior in animals, and it is known that the same brain area in humans is activated when parents are shown pictures of their children.
There is also some evidence that testosterone levels tend to drop in men during their partner’s pregnancy, perhaps to make expectant fathers less aggressive and more likely to bond with their newborns. Given the known association between depression and low testosterone in middle-aged men, it is possible that this might also put some men at risk of postpartum depression.
By far the strongest predictor of paternal postpartum depression is having a depressed partner. In one study, fathers whose partners were also depressed were at nearly two and a half times the normal risk for depression. That was a critical finding, for clinicians tend to assume that men can easily step up to the plate and help fill in for a depressed mother. In fact, they too may be stressed and vulnerable to depression.
And there is the child to think about. Research has clearly shown that maternal postpartum depression can impair the emotional and cognitive development of infants. A father could well buffer the infant from some of the adverse effects of maternal depression — but that is a tall order if he too is depressed.
Dr. Ramchandani, who also followed children for three and a half years after birth, reported that they were affected differently depending on which parent was depressed. Maternal postpartum depression was associated with adverse emotional and behavioral effects in children regardless of sex; depression in fathers was linked only with behavioral problems in boys. (The study did not report on possible effects when both parents were depressed.)
As for my patient, he recovered within two months with the help of psychotherapy and an antidepressant. Afterward, he summed up the situation in just 10 words: “And I thought only women get this kind of thing.”
All too many doctors think so too.


Richard A. Friedman is a professor of psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College.

GOOD GIRL!!!!

What an awesome checkup! I loved having my sister-in-law with me. It was so awesome to show someone in the family what Shawn and I have been doing the past 31 weeks. After the visit we re-toured the birthing rooms, so I have a fresh idea of which room(s) I prefer and it makes me look forward to the birthing process that much more. We also went into the boutique, which is always fun with female family member - just ooohing and aaahing over the cute baby stuff.

The visit was with "J." Shawn & I briefly met her our first visit, but the majority of our checkup was with a student midwife, so "J" wasn't with us very long. My initial impression of her was...unpleasant. Kinda bitchy. This time around she had a more pleasant attitude, but she's took quiet for my liking. And her handshake was the WEAKEST EVER...and I'm just not a weak-handshake kinda girl. Sorry, but weak handshake = you are NOT strong enough to be helping me deliver a baby. This isn't some pansy thing we're going through - I need a strong, tough attitude, "let's get this baby out" kinda person and she's just not it. Seriously...if she's our midwife when the time comes she won't be in our room very much because I just don't feel confident with her. She was far from unpleasant...very sweet, VERY quiet, and answered all my questions...just not "man enough" for my labor, IMO!

Stats: 31 cms = RIGHT ON TIME! HEAD DOWN!!!!! (awesome news...although she can go back and turn again, once they're really head down the chances for them moving out of place is unlikely and she seems pretty comfy, so I'm hoping she stays this way). HB in the 150s.

And then there's weight.....I was 152 lbs (total of 19lb gain) last visit on Nov 19. I'm supposed to be going every 2 weeks, BUT due to scheduling issues this visit was 19 days later...almost 3 weeks. With Thanksgiving in between, need I remind you! And I gained 8 lbs!!!! LOL!

So, I'm 160 lbs. With a big bulky sweater and jeans at 930 in the morning after a bowl of cereal and coffee. Normally I have barely had lunch or it's later in the morning and I wear more loose clothing...so this 160 number...not final in my book:oP

Either way I'm not unhappy. 160lbs means 27 lbs total gain in 31 weeks. I'm okay with that, I'm still on target...and I don't look fat, so who's complaining?! Baby's happy. I'm happy. And yes...I will probably eat just as much pie come Christmas time:o)

Taking a Break

I'm calling a "time-out" so I can pay attention to my blog. I haven't updated in a few weeks with anything substantial. This week we'll be 31 weeks pregnany...which means...6-9 weeks left! I'm actually really calm over this realization, which makes me worried. In no way am I prepared, but I also look at it as "hey, who ever is 100% prepared for a child being brought home into their life?! You're about as well off as anyone else, so suck it up buttercup and let the good times roll!"

Classes are out, but I still have 1/4 of a paper to write and 2 final exams to take in the next week and a half. I'm completely slacking on the studying effort...and I really don't care. I had the most relaxing weekend in awhile. No homework to stress over. I spent Friday night with my wonderful hubby who made an awesome dinner and then we went out til 12:45 AM! WOW! I spent Saturday cleaning and cooking. And yesterday I chilled out, took a nap, and hung out at the in-laws to watch football.

Besides some tidying here and there, there isn't a whole lot more I can do to prepare for Autumn's arrival until after my shower. Money is tight and Christmas is upon us, so spending money on stuff for her will just have to wait:o( We'll see what we get from our friends & family for the shower and from there we'll pick up the essentials. The house is a disaster, despite my efforts to tidy, because the Christmas stuff came in and has exploded all over the living room. Fab.u.lous.

Tomorrow is another check up, but since Daddy has to work Autumn's awesome Aunt Tara is tagging along for the ride. I'm hoping they'll let me give her a tour of the birth rooms, since I'd also like another review before we go into labor. Childbirth classes start up again, which we haven't had in two weeks due to one absence and the holiday week.

OH! I've already started to go into paranoid/proactive mommy mode. I'm contemplating having testing done on our water, since I'm 99% sure we have lead/copper pipes. Friends of ours had this same issue about a year ago before they moved to FL - they only found out because they recognized their son having developmental problems at a young age and it was due to his exposure (bathtime & tap water for drinking/cooking) to lead. They had no idea their house had lead soldering used on the pipes and so I need to talk to the hubby and figure out how to test and what to do if testing shows anything. A part of me thinks I'm being paranoid. And another part of me says it will be a serious issue IF the testing results come back too high. If they're moderate I'll be okay, but I'm worried about high test results.

I'm making lists of stuff that needs to get done or that we still need to buy. And then I throw the list out. Because 1) it will never all get done and I'll start getting frustrated with it all or 2) I'll never be able to list every little thing I need....I just need to realize that if it's important it will get done and if it doesn't get done, then it obviously wasn't that important!

And that's about it. Looking forward to tomorrow's appointment - hoping we have a head down little girl!!! Stats to come tomorrow afternoon!

28 week update!!!

Like I said yesterday, we're going to stick with the Birth Center's scale. It's not digital, it's the "old fashioned" slider scales that the midwives say is actually more accurate - digital scales can change everytime you get on one! So, here's the updated info on Autumn & Mommy!

Weight - 152 lbs; up 4 lbs from the last visit - up total 19 lbs!
HB - 150s - healthy & strong
Position - she's working her way to being head down or may be there already. We'll find out at our u/s on Saturday.
Movement - constant, which is a wonderful thing!
Belly Measurement - exactly on time! 28 cms = 28 weeks!!!

We met "M" today. Oh yea, Shawn didn't have work, so he was able to come with me, which was great since he had to miss the last two appointments. So..."M"...we've heard a TON of good things about her and sure enough, she's awesome. Our favorite thus far!!! She's actually from the same area as we are - she's NY, we're NJ - so there's a bond there. She got along with Shawn GREAT! She's funny, easy going, and you can tell she just has a passion for her job.

Oh, iron levels are a little low, as suspected. I'll have to work on the diet. And that's about it!!!!

Venison!

Autumn - today you had your "first" taste of venison. Daddy & I are hoping that you enjoy venison because, like it or not, it will be a staple food in our household as long as you live. However, I am REALLY hoping you like it prior to you eating it first-hand...because if you dont...Mommy's tummy is not going to be happy!

Just FYI, if you've never had venison, or you're curious as to it's nutritional value, I found this: venison has LOTS of protein, which is important for when you're growing a baby inside of you & also lots of Vitamin B & iron.

Fender Bender:o(

Autumn~

Mommy has such a scare today! But you hung in there and didn't waste any time letting mommy know that the "roller coaster" ride was nothing but another exciting adventure in our lives together! I love you, I love you, I love you! Thank you for being such a good little girl!!!

~ Love your blessed Mommy

I'm kinda glad the blog is back to being "private" where only those who venture to the link will actually read. I'm sure I'd get a bunch of posts (though sweet and caring) would only make me reel back in time to my emotional state this morning and I'd eventually have a breakdown of tears. Approximately 11:15 am we got into a fender bender. Looking at the car you would think I barely tapped a shopping cart! However, at 30-40mph, someone pulling out in front of you from a side street, you slamming on your brakes and skidding a good 20+ feet and then "thump" - as a first time parent, I would hope you might panic, too. I wouldn't say I panicked. I was VERY shaky as I yelled at the poor girl "What the hell is wrong with you?" and then "I'm freakin 26 weeks pregnant!" Like SHE was supposed to know that. I think my subconscious just wanted to make her feel more lousy. Though I did not curse or yell frantically or start to cry. Shaking from head to toe I sat in the car and called my hubby. A police officer just driving by stopped immediately, so there was NO wait on the part of the police. I called the birth center and was advised to either be seen by them or by a hospital, just for reassurance, though they were 99% I was fine. The air bag did not deploy and I didn't remember hitting my belly on the steering wheel. Seatbelt was firmly on! The girl apologized - as did I for my rude behavior - and like I said hardly any damage! She has insurance - they'll take care of it.

Paperwork took forever b/c the cop was actully a task-force dude who was on his way back to the office and didn't have his laptop, so everything was being done the old fashioned way - by HAND! I was able to drive home after having plenty of time to calm down, Shawn was home today from work so he drove us to WakeMed. I was immediately sent up to L&D. We monitored Autumn's heartbeat, which was steady and wonderful and just made sure I wasn't having contractions. All was well and since it wasn't high impact & the belly didn't get hit they didn't need to monitor me for 4 hours. We were out of there by 3, just about a 2 hr visit. I went to work and hung out with my kiddos and made some homemade pizza. Shopped for a baby shower tomorrow (gifts for her, news shoes & a shirt to match a skirt I have for me). Now I'm home.

I will shower. I will relax. I might finally shed a few tears just b/c I've kept myself calm for this entire time and my hormones need some kind of outlet. But I'm fine. I'm so fine now that I know my baby girl is ok. I have such an awesome husband who kept me cool and reassured me that she would be ok. I have great friends who I can turn to for help when I need it. I'm so blessed in life and today reminded me of all of it.

First real cry

I bawled tonight. It was a short bawl, but I don't think I'm done yet. Tonight kinda turned upside down when I found out the H1N1 vaccine was being offered at my college on Friday to high risk groups. Not like this is a "now or never" decision, but knowing that the vaccines go so fast and it may take til Nov or Dec before I get another chance at a clinic...I figured we should just make a final decision this time around.

What's so upsetting, and what finally got to me tonight, was having this first BIG decision to make and not having my mom to talk to. I can talk to other people who I love dearly, but it's not the same. And I'm not saying my mom would necessarily influence my decision - knowing my mom she would just listen to my thoughts and then tell me "you have to figure it out for yourself - welcome to motherhood!" A part of that would be amusing to her, but she ALWAYS told me that she would never tell me how to do something. I have to figure it out on my own. So, it's not like she would be helping me make the decision, but talking to her would be a lot more comforting. And so right now - with this decision of injecting something into my system without knowing how it can affect myself or Autumn - and NOT having the ability to really talk to her - I'm slightly upset.

With all that being said, I also made the decision to stop importing my blog to Facebook. Not saying that all the blogs before weren't personal, but I think we're getting into the home stretch and big decisions are being made and some serious personal feelings don't need to be read by people I rarely talk to on the internet. The link will still be up, but only the people who really take a serious interest, like close family and friends, will likely click on the link to follow along.

So...here's to being a big girl and making decision for myself and my child. It sucks ass.

Vaccine Overload

Seriously, the more this is brought up the more it makes me want to lose my mind. Flu vs. H1N1 vaccine. Flu AND H1N1 vaccine. I'm pregnant. It's "recommended" that I get both; therefore, I should just do it, right?

What ever happened to following gut instinct? I'm sorry, but even before studies came out, before official recommendations, before it was even officially available, my instinct said NO WAY to the H1N1. I'm sorry if anyone out there think that's wrong or stupid, but that's my feeling on it. This pandemic just hit last year and there's already a vaccine out for it? That can be good - we have a REALLY impressive vaccine health system working OR That can be bad - little time to do serious testing and run the numbers. I know...I know...one of the reasons it came out so fast was because it was made the same way, with a lot of the same ingredients as the regular flu vaccine. I guess it helps when a new pandemic is related to vaccines you already have out there. But still - it's not EXACTLY the same, which means more testing should really be done. And I also know that every year the regular flu vaccine is actually "new" too because they pick and choose which strain they think will be most likely to show up. Even my midwife said yesterday, "Last year the did a great job on picking the strain, but the year before the did a really sucky job." And she was actually trying to encourage me to get the vaccines. What, exactly, about that is encouraging? Taking a 50/50 chance to begin with the the "smart health people" picked the right vaccine in the first place? Fabulous.

I have yet to pick this book up, but I've heard lots of wonderful things about Dr. Sears Vaccine Book. It's unbiased and basically just gives you the facts, letting each person decide what is right for his or her own child. Here's an article from Sept about Dr. Sears opinion on the H1N1. (Note: If someone knows of a more recent article, I'd be very happy to read and update any conclusions I've come to). Overall, I think IF I ALREADY HAD A CHILD I would feel better about getting the vaccines. But I'm pregnant. And there is NOTHING in the article that makes me feel better about getting the vaccine while I'm carrying a child.

Here's what I am up against: I'm pregnant, so I'm more likely to get sick with a weakened immune system AND if I do get sick there's a bigger chance of it becoming serious. I work with two young children who attend school facilities. And I attend classes five days a week. Basically - I'm out and about in germ-infested areas.

I've never had the flu. I've never gotten the shot. I worry that getting the shot to begin with will actually end up getting me sick (which I've heard happens in many cases) and although this wouldn't be the contagious flu because it's only a result of the vaccine, I would still most likely be out of work, be out of school, and God only knows how bad it would hit me and what it would do to my pregnancy.

The last part is the most serious. That's why everyone encourages me to get both shots - because I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, but during pregnancy aren't women constantly told NOT to put things into their system? Don't drink alcohol, don't do drugs, don't smoke, don't have too much coffee or soda, don't take anything but tylenol, don't eat hot dogs. And WHY are we told not to take in all these things? Because TESTING has proved that too much of any of this could be a risk to the baby. So, instead you're telling me to put something into my system that MIGHT keep me healthy (there is NO GUARANTEE...need I really remind people of this?), but it also has had little testing done in pregnant women, so you have very little clue as to what it might do to my child. Something here seems back-asswards here!

This is what it comes down to....do I (and only I) feel comfortable putting something into my system that I will have NO idea how it affects my baby until I give birth in another 14-17 weeks? Can I live another 3-4 months, after a vaccine, wondering if I've picked the right choice? This isn't about me, this is about my baby. For the first time, I'm making a decision that my baby has no say in and I don't know what the right answer is. WELCOME TO PARENTHOOD, NANCY! I can feel my mother chuckling over this.

I do not know what I'm going to do. And everyday this battle in my head goes back and forth, back and forth. At the LEAST, I'm waiting it out a few weeks to see how people, especially other preggos, are affected by the vaccines before I even go looking to have it done.

Shawn and I both believe that asking questions and thinking about things thoroughly before making a decision is a good thing. And that's what we intend to do. Question & research. And no decision will be made before the two of us are satisfied.