Emotional Mommies - Come on in!

Organization and compartmentalizing only goes so far. I can follow a simple chore list to help me get through the week without burning myself out. When school comes I will map out the entire semester’s homework schedule that I’ve been known to follow 90% of the time. I will plan dinners, try to cook ahead, and make it a point to take my little girl to playdates and storytimes so that I know we’re getting out of the house to spend quality time together so I’m not distracted by other things.
These are lines that can be drawn. Boundaries I can choose to stay within or cross over at my own convenience.

But there are things I can’t help. Things like being a full-time mommy and wife, holding down a part-time job while being a part-time student. I can organize the activies of these persons, but I am just one person and therefore, these three have to coexist in one body. Which means all the separate emotions, daily stresses and ups and downs that come along with each “me” rattle around in my head and bounce into one another. It’s like my head is the white padded cell of a looney bin and all my ideas is the craziness that bounces off those walls:o)

It’s hard. It’s what I signed up for and I’m well aware of that. And it’s so cliché, but it’s true that you have no idea what you’re in for. I could have done things different. I could have stayed in NJ and finished school there and been done years ago. I could have finished school here before getting married and having a baby. But this is the path I’ve chosen and I do happen to like it. They all give me a different feeling of purpose and goals and that’s something to be positive about.

Sometimes I am sad and frustrated, though. At times I question whether I suffer from PPD. Then again, I look at my own personal history and my family history (especially in the females) and I wonder if I would be medically diagnosed with depression. Or some chemical imbalance. It’s hard not to think of these things. I read other women’s struggles with their emotions and I see we all seem to be on the same page. The real question is, “Am I crazy?” Which, I think we all know we’re not. I call it my emotional roller coaster that ends at a brick wall! I’m up one minute. Down the next. And then I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to describe it.

Communication is key. Simple solution. Hard task. I’m great at communcation happy, love, thankful. I’m not so great at communcating frustration, anxiety, sad, etc. I don’t know anyone who has mastered these skills, but regardless, I’m really bad at it. Like…I will let it eat at me until I explode. Not a pretty sight.
Shawn and I are both still learning (constant ongoing process) of how to parent and how to help one another. Attending school is going to be a HUGE test in our communcation because I will be around less (con!), but he will get a lot more time with Autumn (pro!). Him and I will be finding ourselves communcating in a totally different manner than we do now because our situation is changing and I will need to learn to adjust to this. I will also need to learn to “let go” on some issues and just relax.

I’m thankful that I have a best friend who I can talk to about anything! I mean really, ANYTHING. And she’s not just a shoulder to cry on. She’s honest and helpful and if I’m being dumb, she’ll tell me:o) She’s been my support throughout the years in regards to many issues and now we’ve added “being a mommy” to the list.

Overall, lately I’m feeling very overwhelmed. And it’s easy for that emotion to get away from me and take off for the “crazy cliff.” It’s important to keep a reign on these negative emotions. And the first step I’ve found myself taking is trying to figure out where it’s coming from. WHAT is going on right now that might be causing me to feel this way? And I have to look deeper than the “I’m just stressed” excuse. Right now my valid excuse is the anxiety I feel about school starting soon. There will be a lot of changes to my schedule, Autumn’s schedule, our household atmosphere and with that comes the feeling of guilt, pressure, happy, sad, etc. Once I know where/what the problem is I don’t try to make it go away. You feel how you feel and that isn’t going to necessarily go away. However, I can ease the feelings. I can talk about it. I can come up with chore lists and meal planning to help the transition in our household easier. I can set aside special time for my family to ease the guilt.

Some days are better than others. Some days will be great. Some days will suck. This is the life of all parents. This is what I…WE…have signed up for. But there’s no reason to let the emotions overrun us. There’s no reason to think we’re the only ones that feel like we’re crazy.

So…how do deal? How do you anchor and reign in your emotions when you feel out of control? If we’re all in this together, then we need to help each other. You don’t need to spill your guts (I’ve HARDLY touched the surface!), but it’s been very helpful reading other women’s struggles and knowing I’m not alone. And sometimes their ways of coping are useful in my everyday life, too.

Winding down...

This evening I remembered why I don't get to post often (yet I'm pushing myself to do it tonight)...because there are no 48 hours in one day...only HALF of that. Dammit!

At 1030pm I was just winding down.

Get home from work. Dinner. Give Jynx a bath. Go for a family walk. Read books & sing to Autumn. Get Autumn ready for bed. Feed Autumn. Goodnight Autumn! Brush dog. Tidy-up kitchen from dinner. Put clothes in washer. Take out garbage. Take out recycling. Pack diaper bag for morning. Make the bed. Put husband to bed. BREATHE!

AND if you looked around my house, it would look like nothing has been done. The bathroom is in chaos b/c I haven't put everything back after giving the dog a bath. There's folded laundry that needs to be put away. Cloth diapers that need to be put away. A sink full of dishes. A dishwasher full of clean disher. Laundry that is now waiting to be put in the dryer.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's never ending. But what is good? The fact that I know it's never-ending, meaning that instead of trying to do it all tonight I'm just letting it sit and fester and I will get to it tomorrow. Well...the laundry I need to put in the dryer, but I'll so that before bed. Everything else will wait. Because it can. And because I NEED to have my 30-60 minutes of ME time. So I spent some time catching up on blogs and writing this post. And now? Now it's bedtime!

Tomorrow we're off to a pool playdate. Woo-hoo!

My baby...NOT my burden!

I just feel so blessed that I thought I should share. Yesterday afternoon (early evening) I went out to see a movie with a friend and we took Autumn along! Yes, you read correctly, I took a 3 1/2 month old to the movie theater and she did wonderfully! She was awake for the first 30 mins of previews and the intro to the movie, then she ate (breastfeeding in a movie theater? CHECK!) and then she napped...through the whole movie!

I noticed other young children there. In fact, a couple behind us had a 3 yr old - I turned around to reassure them that I generally have a good baby when out in public, so they shouldn't hear so much as a peep out of her. They didn't care! They said, "We have a 3 year old, we understand!" I thought about this whole scenario later in the evening.

We went to see "Alice in Wonderland" which is NOT a young children's movie this time around. Yet there were several adults there to see it who had brought their young children. GOOD FOR THEM! These parents were obviously out to see the movies themselves. Sure...a 3 yr old would see a talking white bunny rabbit, a man that can be familiarized with a clown (Johnny Depp....swoon!), and a pretty cool looking dragon! BUT, the movie was geared towards older children and adults and that's who was there to truly see the movie. But did that stop parents from bringing their kids out? NOPE! (NOTE: I do not generally condone children viewing adult movies, UNLESS they are young enough to not grasp the adult themes and they still get something fun out of it - hence, the cute white rabbit with the pocket watch or even the talking dog that were characters in AIW)

Anyway, my whole point is...I needed an afternoon away...but NOT away from my baby. I may need a night out...but NOT without my baby. Having a baby has NOT changed what Shawn and I do, but how we do it. From the basic things like grocery shopping or the more complex things like going out to dinner or the movies...I can BRING my baby. I don't need someone to come over, so I can explain in detail my child's routine and leave them for hours at a time. I don't need an extended break from my little girl. Do I sometimes need 30 mins to myself? Sure. And when that happens I ask her Daddy to take over and spend some quality time with her. Because that is who she needs...US! She gets plenty of social exposure, so I'm certainly not smothering my child or afraid to expose her to society, but she doesn't need to be in anyone else's care for extended amounts of time just because I feel like getting out. (NOTE: This is totally NOT against anyone who works during the week and has to send their children to daycare...obviously, you have a family to take care of and those are necessary sacrifices!)

Will the day come when Shawn and I go out on a date alone? Yes. But not right now. She's 3 1/2 months old! I like the fact that she needs me to be around every few hours for a feeding. I ENJOY that. Being there for her need is not a chore. I take so much pride in the fact that when we go for her checkups they tell me her weight gain is fine and I'm doing a GREAT job. This tells me that her and I are in tune with one another and that we're working together to help her grow up strong and healthy. I'm more than her food source, I'm her LIFE source. Now, everyone makes their own choices when it comes to breastfeeding/bottlefeeding and to each his own - I support every woman who makes the decision for herself based on what is best for her situation - but personally, I love it! It makes me feel great as a Mommy. The reward is priceless:o)

Anyway, the whole point to writing this is...my baby is not a burden. I may look at the clock at 530am and dread getting out of bed, but the second I see her smiling face in the crib and hold her in my arms as I feed her...I am in heaven. I treasure each and every day because I know they will not last forever. And right now, in this moment, I am not ready to leave her behind so that I may enjoy my own moments. She IS my joy, she IS my moment. She is not my tag along or the third wheel...she is my baby that I feel blessed enough to take with me when I experience fun of life. My moments are better because she is there with me.

Weighing In - In more ways than one:o)

Tomorrow's MY 6 week checkup. With that on my mind and with the events of today I thought I'd blog about some stuff swirling around in my head.

I weigh 141.8 lbs. I am very much ok with this! This weekend I realize that when i found my spring clothes and the rest of my pre-preggo size 9 jeans that..well..see below:oP

LOL! I'm laughing because it is funny. And...if I wasn't laughing I might cry. The reality is, I really could care less that they don't fit. Doesn't bother me in the least. My weight tells the real story, but my body is shaped differently than before and for a very good reason:o) It's the fact that we're lacking in funds right now and clothes shopping is NOT very high on the list. I plan on hitting an awesome consignment store in the area asap, but that still might not happen for a few weeks. So alas...I will walk around NAKED until then!!! Ok, maybe not.

Moving on...last week sucked. It was a hard week for me mentally and when my brain goes haywire so do my horomones. Or maybe it's the other way around. I don't even think the best scientists know what triggers what. Anyway...so last week sucked. Weekend was AWESOME! Shawn and I spent a lot of quality time with friends, family, and each other. It was magnificent. And I love spending so much time together to watch him be Daddy. That's my favorite thing...watching Shawn be Daddy. It's a role - just like brother, son, uncle, husband, friends -now he's also Daddy. And it's beautiful!

Fast forward to today...I had a meeting at 11am. Sunday night I mentioned having to make sure all was ready to go in the morning so I could get myself and Autumn there on time. Shawn says to leave her home with him. I've left her home with him for a few hours, but all day?! Let me just say that I have FULL confidence in my husband. I trust him 10000% percent in his abilities to care for our child. But was I ready to do a whole day without her? I said ok.

And the day went fine! Autumn slept late because she had had ad HORRID day before (we're not going into that...) and so I got myself ready. Fed her at 9am. I left at 10am. My meeting started early and went til a little after 11am. I called - all was well:o) I went to work. I got some paperwork done for bowling, I took care of my munchkin-girl, called home ONCE at 3:30pm and all was well, took munchkin-girl and munchkin-boy of "mine" to the library, took them home, read books, played and actually got out of work a little early at 5:30pm. Home by 6pm.

While it was very nice to not have a child attached to me (and my boobs) all day, I did miss Autumn a lot. BUT, she had an AWESOME day with Daddy! She went for a long walk, visited with neighbors, played with a 1yr old little girl, took good naps, ate good, and has no fussiness!

What does this tell me? I need to relax. I need to remind myself that Shawn IS capable - just like I knew he would be - and sometimes I need to let him do a little more so that I can hold onto my sanity. I need my "me" time in order to keep being ME! I've thought about some stuff I'd like to do and my goal is to try a few things to week - a little at a time - to see what works for us:

~do some personal reading - not school related, baby related, internet related. Nope. Pick a book & take a bath or close the bedroom door and read! Even if it's only for 15 mins an evening.

~workout. I really need to find a time I can do this - even if it means getting out of bed, which is SO hard. I just need to start doing something at home forlike 20 mins a day. We'll see how many times it gets done this week and we'll go from there.

~cook. I do miss making dinner.

So those are three small goals. Very small. Because when a little one enters into your life, no matter how much she "fits", the very small goals still manage to end up being large goals. So let's see how we manage these and then we'll discuss baking cupcakes from scratch, joining a book club, and hitting the gym 4 nights a week:oP

A little give & take...

The sliding glass back door has been fixed.

I'd like to add to my list:

I want a new wardrobe.

Selfish Moment...

I want my tv fixed in our living room. I want to record and watch my own shows when I'm up at 6 am...like tonight for example...without having to go on a smokey and cold back porch or in my bed...which is a really bad habit to even start plus it's uncomfortable. I want to watch tv WITH my husband...like inside. I also think this will help significantly in him smoking less, us spending more quality time together as husband and wife, and all three us spending time together as a family.

I want an elipitcal, treadmill, bike...SOMETHING. I want to be able to hop on a machine for 20 mins and do some cardio without leaving my home. This way I can do it at...again...6am...like tonight...and I don't have to worry about getting mugged in the pitch black outside. I also don't want to have to hit a gym...even if it's free b/c I'm a guest of someone else or I can go to the school's AWESOME gym. Why? Because who the F has time for that? Who wants to make sure there's enouh milk stashed in the fridge, then get dressed semi-decent because you can't hit a gym in your bra and pj plaid pants, drive to wherever, work out for 30 mins (b/c that's really all you want to do AND you don't have time for much more than that), and head back home to change and get back into the groove of things at the house. Oh, and showering when you first get home? Not gonna happen. Yea...gyms won't be happening til my child probably hits 6 months or so, so I want something at home. Sure...I have a fitness ball and some DVDs which do work me out, but I want CARDIO. Something fast paced to get my blood pumping so that when I'm stressed I can hop onto a machine that will take the edge off.

I want my back porch door fixed or replaced because I just hate that it's a struggle to close every.single.time.

That's it for now. I know they're random, but that's what life is right now. Random.

I think if I HAD a mesntrual cycle right now, I'd be PMSing.