Emotional Mommies - Come on in!

Organization and compartmentalizing only goes so far. I can follow a simple chore list to help me get through the week without burning myself out. When school comes I will map out the entire semester’s homework schedule that I’ve been known to follow 90% of the time. I will plan dinners, try to cook ahead, and make it a point to take my little girl to playdates and storytimes so that I know we’re getting out of the house to spend quality time together so I’m not distracted by other things.
These are lines that can be drawn. Boundaries I can choose to stay within or cross over at my own convenience.

But there are things I can’t help. Things like being a full-time mommy and wife, holding down a part-time job while being a part-time student. I can organize the activies of these persons, but I am just one person and therefore, these three have to coexist in one body. Which means all the separate emotions, daily stresses and ups and downs that come along with each “me” rattle around in my head and bounce into one another. It’s like my head is the white padded cell of a looney bin and all my ideas is the craziness that bounces off those walls:o)

It’s hard. It’s what I signed up for and I’m well aware of that. And it’s so cliché, but it’s true that you have no idea what you’re in for. I could have done things different. I could have stayed in NJ and finished school there and been done years ago. I could have finished school here before getting married and having a baby. But this is the path I’ve chosen and I do happen to like it. They all give me a different feeling of purpose and goals and that’s something to be positive about.

Sometimes I am sad and frustrated, though. At times I question whether I suffer from PPD. Then again, I look at my own personal history and my family history (especially in the females) and I wonder if I would be medically diagnosed with depression. Or some chemical imbalance. It’s hard not to think of these things. I read other women’s struggles with their emotions and I see we all seem to be on the same page. The real question is, “Am I crazy?” Which, I think we all know we’re not. I call it my emotional roller coaster that ends at a brick wall! I’m up one minute. Down the next. And then I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to describe it.

Communication is key. Simple solution. Hard task. I’m great at communcation happy, love, thankful. I’m not so great at communcating frustration, anxiety, sad, etc. I don’t know anyone who has mastered these skills, but regardless, I’m really bad at it. Like…I will let it eat at me until I explode. Not a pretty sight.
Shawn and I are both still learning (constant ongoing process) of how to parent and how to help one another. Attending school is going to be a HUGE test in our communcation because I will be around less (con!), but he will get a lot more time with Autumn (pro!). Him and I will be finding ourselves communcating in a totally different manner than we do now because our situation is changing and I will need to learn to adjust to this. I will also need to learn to “let go” on some issues and just relax.

I’m thankful that I have a best friend who I can talk to about anything! I mean really, ANYTHING. And she’s not just a shoulder to cry on. She’s honest and helpful and if I’m being dumb, she’ll tell me:o) She’s been my support throughout the years in regards to many issues and now we’ve added “being a mommy” to the list.

Overall, lately I’m feeling very overwhelmed. And it’s easy for that emotion to get away from me and take off for the “crazy cliff.” It’s important to keep a reign on these negative emotions. And the first step I’ve found myself taking is trying to figure out where it’s coming from. WHAT is going on right now that might be causing me to feel this way? And I have to look deeper than the “I’m just stressed” excuse. Right now my valid excuse is the anxiety I feel about school starting soon. There will be a lot of changes to my schedule, Autumn’s schedule, our household atmosphere and with that comes the feeling of guilt, pressure, happy, sad, etc. Once I know where/what the problem is I don’t try to make it go away. You feel how you feel and that isn’t going to necessarily go away. However, I can ease the feelings. I can talk about it. I can come up with chore lists and meal planning to help the transition in our household easier. I can set aside special time for my family to ease the guilt.

Some days are better than others. Some days will be great. Some days will suck. This is the life of all parents. This is what I…WE…have signed up for. But there’s no reason to let the emotions overrun us. There’s no reason to think we’re the only ones that feel like we’re crazy.

So…how do deal? How do you anchor and reign in your emotions when you feel out of control? If we’re all in this together, then we need to help each other. You don’t need to spill your guts (I’ve HARDLY touched the surface!), but it’s been very helpful reading other women’s struggles and knowing I’m not alone. And sometimes their ways of coping are useful in my everyday life, too.

Birth Reflection

Now that it's been almost a month I have had some time to reflect on my birth experience.



PAIN: Did it hurt? Well...as my brother likes to say, Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes. It hurt. In fact, it was the MOST painful thing I have ever physically experienced. I actually NEVER shed a single tear either. Seriosuly. Not one tear. Until afterwards and those were tears of joy, so they don't count. There is a big difference between pain and suffering and I never suffered. I did contemplate drugs...for about 5 minutes...but NEVER the epidural. I was never going to have a needle stuck in my back. Ever. Even when my child's head was at the peak of crowning and it burned like a ring of fire and I wanted to die! I obviously did NOT decide to have any drugs because an internal check revealed I was 9cm +3 station and I was allowed to start pushing! As soon as her head was out, all the pain went away!

I pushed for less than 2 hours, which was amazing! Everyone birth experience is very different and everyone has a different sort of pain tolerance. But I did not find it to be a traumatizing experience or nearly as horrible as some women have described. Perhaps it depends on your mental, physical and emtional preparation. I will surely be doing natural labor for my future children!

HOSPITAL: I obviosuly did not get my water birth. I did not get to birth at the birth center. I birthed at the hospital. Am I disappointed? Actually, no. I had a successful, beautiful and natural birth and that is what really matters to me. Water would've been a plus, but I think the hot shower made up for it! I also like to think that while I birthed in a hospital, I did not have a "hospital birth." I did not have a doctor in the room, there were no funky instruments used to get my child out, there was no unnecessary medical intervention, no one being super pushy and annoying, etc. My birth team was exactly what I would have had at the birth center - my husband, my midwife, and a nurse. The only difference was, my nurse was someone who worked at the hospital full-time. I was, however, VERY LUCKY in that my nurse ALSO worked at the birth center part-time AND her mom is one of the lactation consultants at the birth center. My nurse tries to get as many as the birth center transfers as possible in order to allow for as many natural births as possible. Many of the other nurses are not nearly as understanding about natural birth/birth center transfers as she is.

So, I think the reason I'm not upset about my hospital transfer is because it didn't end up being all that different than I wanted. We were there to monitor Autumn more closely and that was all that was important.

OTHER RANDOMNESS: the stretchy gauze underwear should be sold in all department stores and become part of every women's underwear drawer because those things are the most fantastic and comfortable underwear i've ever worn and I never ever wanted to go back to my other stuff, but alas...the time for wearing the stretchy gauze underwear only lasts so long:o(