Organization and compartmentalizing only goes so far. I can follow a simple chore list to help me get through the week without burning myself out. When school comes I will map out the entire semester’s homework schedule that I’ve been known to follow 90% of the time. I will plan dinners, try to cook ahead, and make it a point to take my little girl to playdates and storytimes so that I know we’re getting out of the house to spend quality time together so I’m not distracted by other things.
These are lines that can be drawn. Boundaries I can choose to stay within or cross over at my own convenience.
But there are things I can’t help. Things like being a full-time mommy and wife, holding down a part-time job while being a part-time student. I can organize the activies of these persons, but I am just one person and therefore, these three have to coexist in one body. Which means all the separate emotions, daily stresses and ups and downs that come along with each “me” rattle around in my head and bounce into one another. It’s like my head is the white padded cell of a looney bin and all my ideas is the craziness that bounces off those walls:o)
It’s hard. It’s what I signed up for and I’m well aware of that. And it’s so cliché, but it’s true that you have no idea what you’re in for. I could have done things different. I could have stayed in NJ and finished school there and been done years ago. I could have finished school here before getting married and having a baby. But this is the path I’ve chosen and I do happen to like it. They all give me a different feeling of purpose and goals and that’s something to be positive about.
Sometimes I am sad and frustrated, though. At times I question whether I suffer from PPD. Then again, I look at my own personal history and my family history (especially in the females) and I wonder if I would be medically diagnosed with depression. Or some chemical imbalance. It’s hard not to think of these things. I read other women’s struggles with their emotions and I see we all seem to be on the same page. The real question is, “Am I crazy?” Which, I think we all know we’re not. I call it my emotional roller coaster that ends at a brick wall! I’m up one minute. Down the next. And then I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to describe it.
Communication is key. Simple solution. Hard task. I’m great at communcation happy, love, thankful. I’m not so great at communcating frustration, anxiety, sad, etc. I don’t know anyone who has mastered these skills, but regardless, I’m really bad at it. Like…I will let it eat at me until I explode. Not a pretty sight.
Shawn and I are both still learning (constant ongoing process) of how to parent and how to help one another. Attending school is going to be a HUGE test in our communcation because I will be around less (con!), but he will get a lot more time with Autumn (pro!). Him and I will be finding ourselves communcating in a totally different manner than we do now because our situation is changing and I will need to learn to adjust to this. I will also need to learn to “let go” on some issues and just relax.
I’m thankful that I have a best friend who I can talk to about anything! I mean really, ANYTHING. And she’s not just a shoulder to cry on. She’s honest and helpful and if I’m being dumb, she’ll tell me:o) She’s been my support throughout the years in regards to many issues and now we’ve added “being a mommy” to the list.
Overall, lately I’m feeling very overwhelmed. And it’s easy for that emotion to get away from me and take off for the “crazy cliff.” It’s important to keep a reign on these negative emotions. And the first step I’ve found myself taking is trying to figure out where it’s coming from. WHAT is going on right now that might be causing me to feel this way? And I have to look deeper than the “I’m just stressed” excuse. Right now my valid excuse is the anxiety I feel about school starting soon. There will be a lot of changes to my schedule, Autumn’s schedule, our household atmosphere and with that comes the feeling of guilt, pressure, happy, sad, etc. Once I know where/what the problem is I don’t try to make it go away. You feel how you feel and that isn’t going to necessarily go away. However, I can ease the feelings. I can talk about it. I can come up with chore lists and meal planning to help the transition in our household easier. I can set aside special time for my family to ease the guilt.
Some days are better than others. Some days will be great. Some days will suck. This is the life of all parents. This is what I…WE…have signed up for. But there’s no reason to let the emotions overrun us. There’s no reason to think we’re the only ones that feel like we’re crazy.
So…how do deal? How do you anchor and reign in your emotions when you feel out of control? If we’re all in this together, then we need to help each other. You don’t need to spill your guts (I’ve HARDLY touched the surface!), but it’s been very helpful reading other women’s struggles and knowing I’m not alone. And sometimes their ways of coping are useful in my everyday life, too.
Showing posts with label postpartum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label postpartum. Show all posts
Monday, August 2, 2010
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
3 months!
Autumn was 3 months on Sunday, Mother's Day! We enjoyed our day by spending the early afternoon at the flea market downtown, just walking around, and then the rest of the afternoon and evening at Aunt Tara & Uncle Tony's. Over the weekend she was actually somewhat fussy. I thought I had noticed a spot on her gums that was irritated - teething?! ::gasp:: Today was her 3 month checkup. She received two shots - PCV & HIB. She was NOT happy, but she took them like a champ, downed some generic tylenol, and is now sleeping happily.
She weighs 12.6 lbs, but hasn't grown in length at all, which is perfectly fine. The doctor is very happy with her weight gain and that means that our breastfeeding is still going awesome. I'm always worried about that.
She's still sleeping through the night. And right now I thinks he's starting her 3 month growth spurt because she slept FOREVER last night!
Things are slowly winding down around the home. School is officially over for the semester - A+ & B were my grades. I'm already feeling less stressed. And only two more weeks of bowling - after tonight just one week. Tonight is super stressful because it's position round - everything has to be JUST right & I have to finish collecting money. Next week is a lot easier. I'm doing more reading for myself, which helps me zone out for a little bit each day. I thoroughly enjoy getting lost in a good book. Financially things are still tight, but we're managing. I think we're almost past the "catch up" phase and soon we'll be able to start putting a little money to the side for other things.
And that's about it for now. Let's hope the rest of the day & the week continues to go well!
She weighs 12.6 lbs, but hasn't grown in length at all, which is perfectly fine. The doctor is very happy with her weight gain and that means that our breastfeeding is still going awesome. I'm always worried about that.
She's still sleeping through the night. And right now I thinks he's starting her 3 month growth spurt because she slept FOREVER last night!
Things are slowly winding down around the home. School is officially over for the semester - A+ & B were my grades. I'm already feeling less stressed. And only two more weeks of bowling - after tonight just one week. Tonight is super stressful because it's position round - everything has to be JUST right & I have to finish collecting money. Next week is a lot easier. I'm doing more reading for myself, which helps me zone out for a little bit each day. I thoroughly enjoy getting lost in a good book. Financially things are still tight, but we're managing. I think we're almost past the "catch up" phase and soon we'll be able to start putting a little money to the side for other things.
And that's about it for now. Let's hope the rest of the day & the week continues to go well!
Friday, April 23, 2010
If I had words...
If I could explain how I feel in words, that would be a real blessing. But I feel so lost lately and it's so frustrating for everything to be on the tip of my tongue and not be able to spit any of it out. And a part of me fears how it would come out and who would be on the listening end of it. A few weeks ago I compared the noise in my head to the rumble strip on the side of the highway...when a car goes over it at like 70mph!
AJSDHA;SIHET;IHDFJANSDH;DJGHA;IOEU'TAIHDGH
exactly. there are just no words or sound to describe it - it's just an illogical, nonsense NOISE.
I'm waiting for school to be done - 1st week of May. I'm waiting for bowling to be done - 2nd week of May. Maybe then my brain will quiet down. School stuff for the fall has been taken care of, so that's one less stress on my mind.
Strangely enough, my child is NOT my issue. I love my baby girl and she's wholly mine. I do suffer some mommy guilt when she is just chillin in her bouncy seat or swing (like now) and I type away. But then I remind myself, NEVER disturb a content child. That's rule #2 after NEVER wake a sleeping child (rule #1). Also, I sing to her everyday, I recite nursery rhymes everyday, I show her blocks and books everyday. I need to remind myself that I do these things EVERYDAY and that it means I'm a good mom who does spend time with her baby and that if I need to give myself a 15 minute break, that I'm not a bad mommy. After all...there's only so much a 2 month old can do! But when I come home (evenings are my worst times) and I feel like there's a million things to catch up my brain just goes bezerk. And if she starts to cry, I cringe, because it makes me want to cry. In the evenings I feel like I can't hold her and I can't cuddle her, or is it that I don't want to? And that makes me feel awful and mean and like a horrible detached mother. And that's a hard battle to fight:o(
I really need to call my Aunt Babe in WI. I've been putting it off for weeks, as usual. I love calling her and making her happy, but she ALWAYS gravitates towards talking about my Mom and it makes her cry and I have to fight with everything I have not to cry, too. I just don't like to fall apart like that. And in my state of mind I might cry. And then I'd be a royal mess on the phone with a 90+ yr old woman who I'd never get to calm down and not to mention the mood it would put me in for the rest of the day. So...I...stall...and I feel awful for it.
My work goes well. Shawn's new job is going well. Although we're staying playing "catch-up" with bills, so that is a natural stress inducer. As far as our actual jobs, though, we're both VERY happy.
This is who I am all mixed into one right now: wife, housekeeper, mommy, entertainer, nanny, chauffer, league secretary, part-time (slacker) student, cow (MOO!), ........
This is what I signed up for. This is what I put on my plate. And now I have to deal with it all. But somehow, someway, I'm trying to find ME in there somewhere.
AJSDHA;SIHET;IHDFJANSDH;DJGHA;IOEU'TAIHDGH
exactly. there are just no words or sound to describe it - it's just an illogical, nonsense NOISE.
I'm waiting for school to be done - 1st week of May. I'm waiting for bowling to be done - 2nd week of May. Maybe then my brain will quiet down. School stuff for the fall has been taken care of, so that's one less stress on my mind.
Strangely enough, my child is NOT my issue. I love my baby girl and she's wholly mine. I do suffer some mommy guilt when she is just chillin in her bouncy seat or swing (like now) and I type away. But then I remind myself, NEVER disturb a content child. That's rule #2 after NEVER wake a sleeping child (rule #1). Also, I sing to her everyday, I recite nursery rhymes everyday, I show her blocks and books everyday. I need to remind myself that I do these things EVERYDAY and that it means I'm a good mom who does spend time with her baby and that if I need to give myself a 15 minute break, that I'm not a bad mommy. After all...there's only so much a 2 month old can do! But when I come home (evenings are my worst times) and I feel like there's a million things to catch up my brain just goes bezerk. And if she starts to cry, I cringe, because it makes me want to cry. In the evenings I feel like I can't hold her and I can't cuddle her, or is it that I don't want to? And that makes me feel awful and mean and like a horrible detached mother. And that's a hard battle to fight:o(
I really need to call my Aunt Babe in WI. I've been putting it off for weeks, as usual. I love calling her and making her happy, but she ALWAYS gravitates towards talking about my Mom and it makes her cry and I have to fight with everything I have not to cry, too. I just don't like to fall apart like that. And in my state of mind I might cry. And then I'd be a royal mess on the phone with a 90+ yr old woman who I'd never get to calm down and not to mention the mood it would put me in for the rest of the day. So...I...stall...and I feel awful for it.
My work goes well. Shawn's new job is going well. Although we're staying playing "catch-up" with bills, so that is a natural stress inducer. As far as our actual jobs, though, we're both VERY happy.
This is who I am all mixed into one right now: wife, housekeeper, mommy, entertainer, nanny, chauffer, league secretary, part-time (slacker) student, cow (MOO!), ........
This is what I signed up for. This is what I put on my plate. And now I have to deal with it all. But somehow, someway, I'm trying to find ME in there somewhere.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Weighing In - In more ways than one:o)
Tomorrow's MY 6 week checkup. With that on my mind and with the events of today I thought I'd blog about some stuff swirling around in my head.
I weigh 141.8 lbs. I am very much ok with this! This weekend I realize that when i found my spring clothes and the rest of my pre-preggo size 9 jeans that..well..see below:oP
LOL! I'm laughing because it is funny. And...if I wasn't laughing I might cry. The reality is, I really could care less that they don't fit. Doesn't bother me in the least. My weight tells the real story, but my body is shaped differently than before and for a very good reason:o) It's the fact that we're lacking in funds right now and clothes shopping is NOT very high on the list. I plan on hitting an awesome consignment store in the area asap, but that still might not happen for a few weeks. So alas...I will walk around NAKED until then!!! Ok, maybe not.
Moving on...last week sucked. It was a hard week for me mentally and when my brain goes haywire so do my horomones. Or maybe it's the other way around. I don't even think the best scientists know what triggers what. Anyway...so last week sucked. Weekend was AWESOME! Shawn and I spent a lot of quality time with friends, family, and each other. It was magnificent. And I love spending so much time together to watch him be Daddy. That's my favorite thing...watching Shawn be Daddy. It's a role - just like brother, son, uncle, husband, friends -now he's also Daddy. And it's beautiful!
Fast forward to today...I had a meeting at 11am. Sunday night I mentioned having to make sure all was ready to go in the morning so I could get myself and Autumn there on time. Shawn says to leave her home with him. I've left her home with him for a few hours, but all day?! Let me just say that I have FULL confidence in my husband. I trust him 10000% percent in his abilities to care for our child. But was I ready to do a whole day without her? I said ok.
And the day went fine! Autumn slept late because she had had ad HORRID day before (we're not going into that...) and so I got myself ready. Fed her at 9am. I left at 10am. My meeting started early and went til a little after 11am. I called - all was well:o) I went to work. I got some paperwork done for bowling, I took care of my munchkin-girl, called home ONCE at 3:30pm and all was well, took munchkin-girl and munchkin-boy of "mine" to the library, took them home, read books, played and actually got out of work a little early at 5:30pm. Home by 6pm.
While it was very nice to not have a child attached to me (and my boobs) all day, I did miss Autumn a lot. BUT, she had an AWESOME day with Daddy! She went for a long walk, visited with neighbors, played with a 1yr old little girl, took good naps, ate good, and has no fussiness!
What does this tell me? I need to relax. I need to remind myself that Shawn IS capable - just like I knew he would be - and sometimes I need to let him do a little more so that I can hold onto my sanity. I need my "me" time in order to keep being ME! I've thought about some stuff I'd like to do and my goal is to try a few things to week - a little at a time - to see what works for us:
~do some personal reading - not school related, baby related, internet related. Nope. Pick a book & take a bath or close the bedroom door and read! Even if it's only for 15 mins an evening.
~workout. I really need to find a time I can do this - even if it means getting out of bed, which is SO hard. I just need to start doing something at home forlike 20 mins a day. We'll see how many times it gets done this week and we'll go from there.
~cook. I do miss making dinner.
So those are three small goals. Very small. Because when a little one enters into your life, no matter how much she "fits", the very small goals still manage to end up being large goals. So let's see how we manage these and then we'll discuss baking cupcakes from scratch, joining a book club, and hitting the gym 4 nights a week:oP
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
A little give & take...
The sliding glass back door has been fixed.
I'd like to add to my list:
I want a new wardrobe.
I'd like to add to my list:
I want a new wardrobe.
Selfish Moment...
I want my tv fixed in our living room. I want to record and watch my own shows when I'm up at 6 am...like tonight for example...without having to go on a smokey and cold back porch or in my bed...which is a really bad habit to even start plus it's uncomfortable. I want to watch tv WITH my husband...like inside. I also think this will help significantly in him smoking less, us spending more quality time together as husband and wife, and all three us spending time together as a family.
I want an elipitcal, treadmill, bike...SOMETHING. I want to be able to hop on a machine for 20 mins and do some cardio without leaving my home. This way I can do it at...again...6am...like tonight...and I don't have to worry about getting mugged in the pitch black outside. I also don't want to have to hit a gym...even if it's free b/c I'm a guest of someone else or I can go to the school's AWESOME gym. Why? Because who the F has time for that? Who wants to make sure there's enouh milk stashed in the fridge, then get dressed semi-decent because you can't hit a gym in your bra and pj plaid pants, drive to wherever, work out for 30 mins (b/c that's really all you want to do AND you don't have time for much more than that), and head back home to change and get back into the groove of things at the house. Oh, and showering when you first get home? Not gonna happen. Yea...gyms won't be happening til my child probably hits 6 months or so, so I want something at home. Sure...I have a fitness ball and some DVDs which do work me out, but I want CARDIO. Something fast paced to get my blood pumping so that when I'm stressed I can hop onto a machine that will take the edge off.
I want my back porch door fixed or replaced because I just hate that it's a struggle to close every.single.time.
That's it for now. I know they're random, but that's what life is right now. Random.
I think if I HAD a mesntrual cycle right now, I'd be PMSing.
I want an elipitcal, treadmill, bike...SOMETHING. I want to be able to hop on a machine for 20 mins and do some cardio without leaving my home. This way I can do it at...again...6am...like tonight...and I don't have to worry about getting mugged in the pitch black outside. I also don't want to have to hit a gym...even if it's free b/c I'm a guest of someone else or I can go to the school's AWESOME gym. Why? Because who the F has time for that? Who wants to make sure there's enouh milk stashed in the fridge, then get dressed semi-decent because you can't hit a gym in your bra and pj plaid pants, drive to wherever, work out for 30 mins (b/c that's really all you want to do AND you don't have time for much more than that), and head back home to change and get back into the groove of things at the house. Oh, and showering when you first get home? Not gonna happen. Yea...gyms won't be happening til my child probably hits 6 months or so, so I want something at home. Sure...I have a fitness ball and some DVDs which do work me out, but I want CARDIO. Something fast paced to get my blood pumping so that when I'm stressed I can hop onto a machine that will take the edge off.
I want my back porch door fixed or replaced because I just hate that it's a struggle to close every.single.time.
That's it for now. I know they're random, but that's what life is right now. Random.
I think if I HAD a mesntrual cycle right now, I'd be PMSing.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Autumn's First Month! (long)
Autumn is an amazing baby! Already she has quite the personality and we absolute love that about her! Shawn says she's a very serious baby, which she is. She's always thinking - you can just tell! Well...I could ramble on for paragraphs so let me just jot down the quick things I think are worth mentioning:
Stats @ 1 month checkup: 10lbs (75%), 23in long (97%), head circum 15.25in (90%). So, she's tal, skinny & has a big head (probably from everyone telling her how pretty she is...aw!) Dr. says she's healthy, happy, looks great, has AWESOME head control, etc. Wonderful news!
Feeding: She eats whenever she wants:o) Generally during the day it's every 2-3 hours & at night it cane be up to 4-6 hours depending on how well she sleeps. She can go from boob to bottle to paci and back again without any confusion or problems. Occasionally, if she's going thru a growth spurt or in the evening during her "witching hour" she will cluster feed. Shawn thoroughly enjoys being able to feed her and our routine usually revolves around me feeding her in the late evening and then Shawn doing a midnight feeding that I sleep through and then I do the early morning feeding. It works out nicely.
Sleeping: She sleeps when she wants to, too! She's like her daddy and thoroughly enjoys sleep - I LOVE IT! I'm not a big stickler on how much she sleeps - too little or too much - because I believe that if a child wants to sleep you let them and when they're tired they will eventually close their eyes! SHe usually goes down for "bed" around 9-10pm and will sleep until 2am, although she's been known to sleep later, which we're hoping will become a trend soon. She will eat and then immediately go back to sleep around 3am and sleep til about 6am. This concludes "bedtime" which is around 8hrs give or take a half hour. Naptimes consist of early morning: 7-9am, afternoon 11am/12pm - 1pm/2pm, and late afternoon 5-530ish. Then she has her "witching hour" from 530-730pm in which she just wants to be held non-stop and fusses because she can:o)
Also, she's pretty versatile when it comes to napping - she naps in the swing, in her bouncy seat, on anyone who is holding her, on the floor, in her carseat, in her hammock, in the front carrier, etc. She's not too picky.
At night she sleeps in the bassinet in our room. I thought about transitioning her at one month, but I'm not ready. I like having her in the room! But she is a tall child and she's outgrowing it fast, not to mention she's a rather loud sleeper (more on that later...)
Playtime: She really does like tummy-time, which is great! She love mirrors. She likes light and fans and music. I try to read to her every day, usually around bedtime and it relaxes us both. She can fidget/shift herself on her playmat rather well. She can manuever herself a quarter of the way around in a circle and when she starts to fuss on her belly she gets mad and can inch forward almost til she's offthe playmat. She really get her head and arms up and her feet push well...we'll have a crawler WAY TOO SOON!
Personality/Quirks: Seriously, who knew you could lay in bed just cracking up with laughter at all the sounds a little baby could make in her bassinet?! She is such a loud sleeper, but it is quite amusing! She sleeps with her hands above her head. When she wakes up she stretches and coos and moans and groans like a little bear cub. Also, when she wakes up, you CANNOT pick her up right away to change a diaper - NO SIR! Wakeup time is her releasing-of-the-gas time;o) She's slow to wake up and it's her own special time to just lay in bed, open her eyes slowly, stretch out her little arms and legs, and release all the pent up gas & poop she's been storing all night. She does not like her carseat unless we're moving - I can't put her in it and then let her sit there for more than 2 mins to pack the car or she'll start screaming. She tries to reach for things like her paci, a toy on her playmat, the ladybug above her bouncy seat, etc.
Things WE have accomplished:
~Breastfed in a car (not moving of course), at the park with about 30+ children and adults around, at Babies R Us in a public room, in a restaraunt, in front of the kids I nanny for without them knowing what was actually going on, and at the bowling alley
~Changed a diaper in the backseat of a car & in the booth of a restaraunt (there was no changing table in the bathroom!)
~Succesfully gone shopping in several stores without disaster falling upon us!
~Been separated for several hours without either of us having a panic attack...although she was in awesome hands with her Daddy taking care of her!
And that's about it. I'm sure there's a TON more, but you're tired of reading and I'm tired of typing. I do have 1 month pictures (yes, Boo - I took the pictures!) but they're not uploaded. It's not 10:30pm, Autumn has been asleep for about 30 mins and I think I'm about to follow suit.
Stats @ 1 month checkup: 10lbs (75%), 23in long (97%), head circum 15.25in (90%). So, she's tal, skinny & has a big head (probably from everyone telling her how pretty she is...aw!) Dr. says she's healthy, happy, looks great, has AWESOME head control, etc. Wonderful news!
Feeding: She eats whenever she wants:o) Generally during the day it's every 2-3 hours & at night it cane be up to 4-6 hours depending on how well she sleeps. She can go from boob to bottle to paci and back again without any confusion or problems. Occasionally, if she's going thru a growth spurt or in the evening during her "witching hour" she will cluster feed. Shawn thoroughly enjoys being able to feed her and our routine usually revolves around me feeding her in the late evening and then Shawn doing a midnight feeding that I sleep through and then I do the early morning feeding. It works out nicely.
Sleeping: She sleeps when she wants to, too! She's like her daddy and thoroughly enjoys sleep - I LOVE IT! I'm not a big stickler on how much she sleeps - too little or too much - because I believe that if a child wants to sleep you let them and when they're tired they will eventually close their eyes! SHe usually goes down for "bed" around 9-10pm and will sleep until 2am, although she's been known to sleep later, which we're hoping will become a trend soon. She will eat and then immediately go back to sleep around 3am and sleep til about 6am. This concludes "bedtime" which is around 8hrs give or take a half hour. Naptimes consist of early morning: 7-9am, afternoon 11am/12pm - 1pm/2pm, and late afternoon 5-530ish. Then she has her "witching hour" from 530-730pm in which she just wants to be held non-stop and fusses because she can:o)
Also, she's pretty versatile when it comes to napping - she naps in the swing, in her bouncy seat, on anyone who is holding her, on the floor, in her carseat, in her hammock, in the front carrier, etc. She's not too picky.
At night she sleeps in the bassinet in our room. I thought about transitioning her at one month, but I'm not ready. I like having her in the room! But she is a tall child and she's outgrowing it fast, not to mention she's a rather loud sleeper (more on that later...)
Playtime: She really does like tummy-time, which is great! She love mirrors. She likes light and fans and music. I try to read to her every day, usually around bedtime and it relaxes us both. She can fidget/shift herself on her playmat rather well. She can manuever herself a quarter of the way around in a circle and when she starts to fuss on her belly she gets mad and can inch forward almost til she's offthe playmat. She really get her head and arms up and her feet push well...we'll have a crawler WAY TOO SOON!
Personality/Quirks: Seriously, who knew you could lay in bed just cracking up with laughter at all the sounds a little baby could make in her bassinet?! She is such a loud sleeper, but it is quite amusing! She sleeps with her hands above her head. When she wakes up she stretches and coos and moans and groans like a little bear cub. Also, when she wakes up, you CANNOT pick her up right away to change a diaper - NO SIR! Wakeup time is her releasing-of-the-gas time;o) She's slow to wake up and it's her own special time to just lay in bed, open her eyes slowly, stretch out her little arms and legs, and release all the pent up gas & poop she's been storing all night. She does not like her carseat unless we're moving - I can't put her in it and then let her sit there for more than 2 mins to pack the car or she'll start screaming. She tries to reach for things like her paci, a toy on her playmat, the ladybug above her bouncy seat, etc.
Things WE have accomplished:
~Breastfed in a car (not moving of course), at the park with about 30+ children and adults around, at Babies R Us in a public room, in a restaraunt, in front of the kids I nanny for without them knowing what was actually going on, and at the bowling alley
~Changed a diaper in the backseat of a car & in the booth of a restaraunt (there was no changing table in the bathroom!)
~Succesfully gone shopping in several stores without disaster falling upon us!
~Been separated for several hours without either of us having a panic attack...although she was in awesome hands with her Daddy taking care of her!
And that's about it. I'm sure there's a TON more, but you're tired of reading and I'm tired of typing. I do have 1 month pictures (yes, Boo - I took the pictures!) but they're not uploaded. It's not 10:30pm, Autumn has been asleep for about 30 mins and I think I'm about to follow suit.
Friday, March 12, 2010
1 Month and Totally Blessed (Mommy's Update)
Deep down all parents have fears about what life will be like once their baby enters into the world. Even deeper down...all parents secretly believe that THEY will have a really good baby and not encounter any of those horrid stories their friends and family have told them will happen when the baby arrives.
I will fully admit that between all my reading, all the blogs/internet chats, and personal intel from friends I fully believed that I would have it all under control. Then, about two weeks prior to Autumn's arrival it hit me - WHAT IF?! What if everything doesn't go right? What if she's born with some kind of problems that we haven't anticipated? What if my milk supply doesn't come in? What if we have trouble breastfeeding? What if going back to work is harder than I anticipate? What if I can't manage school, work, and a baby? What if my husband isn't as helpful as we both think he'll be? WHAT IF?!
A month into it all, I will state for the record, that I am blessed! By no means do I take any of it for granted or believe that it is my own doing. I have a great milk supply, which I'm trying to take advantage of while it lasts by starting a freezer stash because I know it won't last forever. I have a baby that thoroughly enjoys sleep (like her father!), enjoys eating (breastfeeding rocks!), and enjoys tummy time (she'll be crawling by 3 months...beware!). Shawn has been so...amazing. Between house chores, taking care of me when we came home from the hospital and jumping right in with helping take care of the baby there really isn't anything I can say I wish he had done - because he did it all! And my return to work has been really good. The kids love Autumn and because they're such well-behaved children they do a really good job of listening and behaving around Autumn. And school is still going VERY well!!! I think the quick return to "normal" life has saved me from any post partum depression, really. It's hard to find time for myself, which I need to make more of an effort to do, but as Autumn falls into a sleep schedule and the end of another semester draws near, I see some "me" time coming into view.
Actually, I have started some "me" time with working out for about 20 mins/day. While I have dropped almost all of my baby-weight I definitely don't feel myself, yet. Genetics played a huge part in my ability to drop weight - my Mom was the same way - but my body is completely changed. It's contorted and twisted. I've never been one to have a firm body, but I like to feel somewhat in shape. So, I gave myself ONE MONTH to relax, to not care, to chill out and be flabby and happy before I started a work out routine. Now that it's been a month I bought a workout ball and a few DVDs and I'm starting some easy workouts to tone some muscles. It makes me feel good and I think that's what's most important.
So overall, I'm healthy. I adore my baby girl. I'm more in love with my husband than ever before. I love my job - even when it's crazy. I'm just one happy and blessed mommy!
I will fully admit that between all my reading, all the blogs/internet chats, and personal intel from friends I fully believed that I would have it all under control. Then, about two weeks prior to Autumn's arrival it hit me - WHAT IF?! What if everything doesn't go right? What if she's born with some kind of problems that we haven't anticipated? What if my milk supply doesn't come in? What if we have trouble breastfeeding? What if going back to work is harder than I anticipate? What if I can't manage school, work, and a baby? What if my husband isn't as helpful as we both think he'll be? WHAT IF?!
A month into it all, I will state for the record, that I am blessed! By no means do I take any of it for granted or believe that it is my own doing. I have a great milk supply, which I'm trying to take advantage of while it lasts by starting a freezer stash because I know it won't last forever. I have a baby that thoroughly enjoys sleep (like her father!), enjoys eating (breastfeeding rocks!), and enjoys tummy time (she'll be crawling by 3 months...beware!). Shawn has been so...amazing. Between house chores, taking care of me when we came home from the hospital and jumping right in with helping take care of the baby there really isn't anything I can say I wish he had done - because he did it all! And my return to work has been really good. The kids love Autumn and because they're such well-behaved children they do a really good job of listening and behaving around Autumn. And school is still going VERY well!!! I think the quick return to "normal" life has saved me from any post partum depression, really. It's hard to find time for myself, which I need to make more of an effort to do, but as Autumn falls into a sleep schedule and the end of another semester draws near, I see some "me" time coming into view.
Actually, I have started some "me" time with working out for about 20 mins/day. While I have dropped almost all of my baby-weight I definitely don't feel myself, yet. Genetics played a huge part in my ability to drop weight - my Mom was the same way - but my body is completely changed. It's contorted and twisted. I've never been one to have a firm body, but I like to feel somewhat in shape. So, I gave myself ONE MONTH to relax, to not care, to chill out and be flabby and happy before I started a work out routine. Now that it's been a month I bought a workout ball and a few DVDs and I'm starting some easy workouts to tone some muscles. It makes me feel good and I think that's what's most important.
So overall, I'm healthy. I adore my baby girl. I'm more in love with my husband than ever before. I love my job - even when it's crazy. I'm just one happy and blessed mommy!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Anxiety
I've had the adrenaline rush. To be expected. I've also had the cute moments that make me tear up and the frustrating moments that make me want to cry (though these have been few and far between). Also to be expected. What did I not expect?
Anxiety attack:o/ Today was our first planned trip out of the house.
You see...here's me finally admitting something...I'm still in school (eek!). I KNOW - I wasn't going to do this semester. Just SHUSH for a moment. I'm taking two online science classes. I don't necessarily NEED them, but I didn't want to load myself with heavy history courses, but I DID want to stay in school. Pregnancy, birth, recovery be damned...I can do it. I knew I could before, but a lot of people tried to talk me out of it. However, I didn't want having a child to become an excuse over and over again not to go back. If I took the semester off I can see myself saying, "Well, not in the summer b/c now I want to take her to visit relatives" and "Not in the fall with the holidays and traveling with a baby" and in between it all, all the growth she'll go through that would make me want to say "not right now." So, instead, I stayed in school to keep the ball rolling! Seriously...I suck at science classes, but these two are ONLINE and practically second grade science - if I don't pass, please take away from high school diploma, thanks!
Not a lot of people know that I'm in school. Mainly because I didn't want to get talked out of it again. And then afterwards, I didn't want any fuss being made about "How's school going?" everytime I cared to have a conversation with someone who was concerned about me being a full-time mom, a part-time nanny, and a part-time student. I have complete faith in myself and I have a wonderful support system who helps me manage.
SO...now that that is out of the way...I was due to take a test last Thursday for one of my online classes. The exams are the only time I have to go to campus. But, due to a recent birth, I was unable to attend. My professor is really awesome and told me I could take it in his office at a later date, so to get it out of the way we set up a meeting for Monday afternoon. Shawn would drive me, I'd take the test, we'd come home.
About 11 am I start to get VERY anxious. You know when your mind says there is NOTHING to be freaking out about, but your horomones are haywire and it makes your tummy flip and you feel on edge? That was me. I think it happened for 2 main reasons:
1) It's the first time out of the house with my baby since we came home from the hospital. I knew everything was fine and I didn't want someone to come over and watch her while Shawn and I ran out...that would've made my anxiety worse b/c I wanted my baby with ME. However, the event of getting her into a warm cozy outfit, making sure her diaper bag was ready to go, thinking about taking her to the campus. It really was NOT a big deal and I KNEW this, but my body still was saying FREAK OUT!!!!
2) The test. Let me tell you that I KNEW this test would be easy. 71 questions of true/false and multiple choice. It doesn't get much easier! I had watched the short videos, which were pretty elementary, and I reviewed the print out study guides he prepared for us. I knew I would pass and more than that, do well. However, something about taking a test made me really nervous and anxious.
I found myself breathing deeply to calm down and I tried to eat something. It wasn't until I popped a piece of gum and we were on our way that I started to chill out. And afterwards, the feeling went away completely. Shawn said that it sounds like anxiety might be one of my main post-partum characteristics and he's probably right. I tended to suffer them during my periods, too. It's just something I'll have to keep an eye on.
Oh...and by the way...I got back my test grades, one for each class since I also had to hand in an exam via e-mail for my other class by midnight on Sunday
Environment Science (e-mail exam) 100%
Insects & People (campus exam) 87.5%
Yea...I'm pretty darn happy about that!
Anxiety attack:o/ Today was our first planned trip out of the house.
You see...here's me finally admitting something...I'm still in school (eek!). I KNOW - I wasn't going to do this semester. Just SHUSH for a moment. I'm taking two online science classes. I don't necessarily NEED them, but I didn't want to load myself with heavy history courses, but I DID want to stay in school. Pregnancy, birth, recovery be damned...I can do it. I knew I could before, but a lot of people tried to talk me out of it. However, I didn't want having a child to become an excuse over and over again not to go back. If I took the semester off I can see myself saying, "Well, not in the summer b/c now I want to take her to visit relatives" and "Not in the fall with the holidays and traveling with a baby" and in between it all, all the growth she'll go through that would make me want to say "not right now." So, instead, I stayed in school to keep the ball rolling! Seriously...I suck at science classes, but these two are ONLINE and practically second grade science - if I don't pass, please take away from high school diploma, thanks!
Not a lot of people know that I'm in school. Mainly because I didn't want to get talked out of it again. And then afterwards, I didn't want any fuss being made about "How's school going?" everytime I cared to have a conversation with someone who was concerned about me being a full-time mom, a part-time nanny, and a part-time student. I have complete faith in myself and I have a wonderful support system who helps me manage.
SO...now that that is out of the way...I was due to take a test last Thursday for one of my online classes. The exams are the only time I have to go to campus. But, due to a recent birth, I was unable to attend. My professor is really awesome and told me I could take it in his office at a later date, so to get it out of the way we set up a meeting for Monday afternoon. Shawn would drive me, I'd take the test, we'd come home.
About 11 am I start to get VERY anxious. You know when your mind says there is NOTHING to be freaking out about, but your horomones are haywire and it makes your tummy flip and you feel on edge? That was me. I think it happened for 2 main reasons:
1) It's the first time out of the house with my baby since we came home from the hospital. I knew everything was fine and I didn't want someone to come over and watch her while Shawn and I ran out...that would've made my anxiety worse b/c I wanted my baby with ME. However, the event of getting her into a warm cozy outfit, making sure her diaper bag was ready to go, thinking about taking her to the campus. It really was NOT a big deal and I KNEW this, but my body still was saying FREAK OUT!!!!
2) The test. Let me tell you that I KNEW this test would be easy. 71 questions of true/false and multiple choice. It doesn't get much easier! I had watched the short videos, which were pretty elementary, and I reviewed the print out study guides he prepared for us. I knew I would pass and more than that, do well. However, something about taking a test made me really nervous and anxious.
I found myself breathing deeply to calm down and I tried to eat something. It wasn't until I popped a piece of gum and we were on our way that I started to chill out. And afterwards, the feeling went away completely. Shawn said that it sounds like anxiety might be one of my main post-partum characteristics and he's probably right. I tended to suffer them during my periods, too. It's just something I'll have to keep an eye on.
Oh...and by the way...I got back my test grades, one for each class since I also had to hand in an exam via e-mail for my other class by midnight on Sunday
Environment Science (e-mail exam) 100%
Insects & People (campus exam) 87.5%
Yea...I'm pretty darn happy about that!
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