My daughter deserves the right to choose!

Let's get some things straight first. I don't believe in abortion. I do believe life begins at conception.

But to say I'd never get one means that I never predict that I'll ever be raped and get pregnant. Means that I never expect myself in a life or death situation in which I might have to choose between the fetus or myself. Means my doctors will never tell me that something has gone wrong in my pregnancy in which termination of the pregnancy might be the safest, only, or logical option. Means I never expect to be told that my child has abnormalities or defects that would make life horribly cruel. Means that, despite birth control methods I ended up pregnant at a very wrong time in my life and bringing a child into this world just seems impossible. And many more possibilities...

Never say NEVER. Even with my strong beliefs, I cannot say NEVER because I have not been presented with the some of the experiences mentioned. And I cannot say for sure, given any of those circumstances what I would do. I like to think I know the choices I would make, but none of us really know until the choice is presented to us.

I believe in life. I believe conception means a child, a human being. I believe abortion is killing a child. But I also believe that God and only God has the right to judge us and our decisions. I believe in forgiveness. And you can bet your ass that I believe this is a PERSONAL and PRIVATE choice.

Unfortunately, unless you have the education and the financial resources, it's still personal, but not private.

In an age of technology and information we'd like to believe that everyone has access to knowledge about birth control, sex, stds, etc. It's called SEX EDUCATION. But people think it's not proper to have in schools. Let it be taught at home. Seriously...HOW MANY OF YOU TALKED WITH YOUR PARENTS ABOUT SEX?! If you had parents like that, consider yourself lucky. I didn't. It was a taboo subject. And school was the only place I got this information. For those who don't have school or parents, there's peers. And as sex seems to become a topic for younger and younger children, one can only imagine the twisted and incorrect information that gets passed around. Luckily there are people who in the community who try to reach and educate others about these things, one of them being Planned Parenthood. Besides education, community organizations like this also provide pregnancy tests, screening, checkups, and sometimes...yes, abortions. For who? Usually people who don't have the financial resources to get information or help from private physicians.

If you're a judgmental person (and we're all guilty of it), check your bias and stereotyping at the door and step into someone else's shoes. Are there people who take advantage of the situation? Yes. They're called people who can afford certain rights in life, but call them privileges and think they ought to be taken away from those who don't have the same opportunities to education and resources. There are also people who take advantage of help provided for them and fuel the fire for bias argument. But these people are NOT a majority. And even if they were, if the help provided were to only reach ONE person, is he/she not worth it? Now, that's extreme, because programs like Planned Parenthood help so many people who REALLY need the help, and aren't they ALL worth it? Just because we don't agree with someone decision does that mean they don't deserve our help?! Do we have to judge? Haven't we all done something we're not proud of?

Now...where did this all come from? My lovely and random rant...check here (or the news). Budget cutting and such...I don't have an answer. I will admit I don't know a lot. But I know this, that at some point Planned Parenthood funding came up and some people decided to make it into an abortion discussion. First off, Planned Parenthood is NOT just about abortion. Think about it...wait for it...PLANNED PARENTHOOD. Planning + parenthood = responsible decisions about when/when not to have a family and all the education that comes along with it. Maybe? A good thing? Yes?! Anywho...certain individuals (men) thought it was best to bring out their judgmental attitudes and turn it into a pro-life outweighs all pro-choice reasons, good or bad. And then a woman steps up. And puts herself out there and tells her story and says, "I'm one of those people...I'm one of those who had to have this procedure..." and while she may have been one of the lucky ones to have it done privately, she understands what many women go through and why it's important for those who can't afford to have it done privately.

I don't give a hoot who is Republic or Democrat. I am most certainly not a man-hater. And I respect other people's opinions. But I don't respect people who think that taking money away from less fortunate just because they don't like their decisions. I don't like how budget-cutting can get turned into an abortion debate. Abortion was declared a RIGHT for women. It is NOT a privilege to be taking away from those who can't afford it. How many congressmen/women's wives have had abortions with/without public knowledge? More importantly, with or without their spouse's knowledge? Let's get that poll and see who changes their story. PRIVACY goes a long way when you have money to hide behind.

Children have always been my passion. Parenthood is now my privilege. And the rights protecting women, children and families may have just become my cause.

Blogger FAIL!

I apologize. I have not blogged in over a month. I never provided an 11 month update and now we're about 8 days away from the big 1...YEAR that is!!! I've had no Wordless Wednesdays. No Thankful Thursdays. Nada.

EPIC FAIL:o(

And there really is no good reason. There are two really bad reasons. 1) I'm lazy. I've updated my 101 blog several times since then because it's so much easier to just jump on, make a few notes and move on. I also like crossing things off of my [internet] list, so blogging over there makes me feel more accomplished. 2) I have been in absolute denial that my child is about to turn 1 years old:o/

I'm not talking "Oh, my baby has gotten so big, she CANT be one yet!" I mean...I literally put off planning a birthday party for her until Sunday night when I FINALLY hashed things out with the hubby and then [insert tackiness here!] sent a text to our family and few friends who we want to come hang out. Flame away! A text invite...as my bff said "klassy!" But even with that, a part of me is saying "It's not really a party. Autumn won't even understand what's going on. It's more like a get together, a hang out, which we usually do with the family and we're just adding a few others for the day." But the realiziation is that this is a party - it's to celebrate my baby being a whole year and the fact that Shawn and I survived this whole year! She will have a cake. And, though I've told people that she really needs NOTHING, there will be gifts. We will sing "Happy Birthday" and the monkey will smash her cake.

I'm.throwing.my.child's.first.birthday.party.

I must come to accept this and yet I hate it. I HATE IT.

We all wonder Where does the time go? And I wonder How did people ever remember a thing before photography and videography? I cannot for the life of me remember pregnancy or my big belly. However, I remember EACH and EVERY detail of her birth. It's disturbing. But after that...I'm clueless. Thank God for pictures and videos because I look and say Oh yea! This year did have a lot happen - our first trip to the beach as a family, ditto with the mountains of NC and TN, all the fun swimming she did in the summer, her first Halloween, meeting Grandpa, our first Christmas, our first visit to NJ to see all our family and celebrate New Year's, etc etc. But I can't remember her being my baby. And then I see videos or pictures and I miss my baby. And then I look at this little ball of energy who likes to crawl and pull up and snuggle and play chase and I ADORE her.

I.am.torn. I want my baby to stay a baby, but I can't wait for her to grow up and see all the wonderful things she's going to figure out and do. Oh the dilemmas of parenthood. Mom...Dad...I get it. I absolutely 100000% get it now. And it's the coolest, yet most heart breaking thing to deal with.

And so that's the truth people. I've been in absolute denial and have refused to come to this blog because I have not wanted to even think about my little girl turning a year so soon.

And now that my sad and pathetic story is done....I'll put up some WW pictures tomorrow so you can see how she's grown. And then this Saturday is her party so I'm sure there will be some fun pictures from that, too.

I'm alive!

I haven't posted in awhile. I suck. Actually, the past few weeks have flown by in a frenzy of school work and Thanksgiving holiday craziness. Classes are now over. I still have the final draft of a paper due Friday at noon. I also have a final exam on the 16th. Then I graduate on the 18th. And now it seems like time is going by so slowly....can I just walk across a stage and get my degree already?!

Note: I'll probably have a long and sappy graduation post in the coming days.

Autumn is doing fantastic. I've learned that her personality "tell" is her feet. Yea, you read that right. Her feet. Some people it's their eyes or smile or eyebrows, but my baby has these adorable baby feet that have a mind of their own. The way she curls her toes and snuggles them close together when she's content or when she kicks them because she's so excited it's dinnertime or when her toes ever so slightly wiggle when she's sitting on the floor playing with a toy. I'm telling you...her feet have personality and I love them!

Autumn is eating lots of new foods - mini pancakes, BREAD - any kind of bread, french fries, green beans, mashed potatoes, etc etc etc. Daddy and I are thinking of becoming closet eaters. The child can eat all her dinner, be in the middle of playtime, but wait...oh...WHAT?! You have FOOD! I WANT SOME! And she will bitch you out if you don't share. Mommy usually shares. Daddy does not. He's mean:oP

She's still not sleeping through the night. I'm not really tackling this right now. It's not really interfering with my schedule, so whatever.

She's really close to standing up by herself. She pulls up very well and has started to take steps with her push-walker (as long as we hold it to prevent it from flying across the room and causing a face-plant). She has started waving BYE-BYE! This really excites me! And she's starting to understand "blow a kiss" but hasn't got the motions down.

Babbling occurs constantly. She is a talker. Especially when she's tired or wants something.

The baby is wonderful. Just wonderful. It's hard to believe that in 2 months I'll have to arrange her first birthday party - where did the time go? This week she'll be 10 months. I guess this turned into an early 10 month update. I meant to go somewhere else with this post, but it feels wrong to include it now with such a happy post about my little girl! I love her. My sqirmy, wormy, giggly happy monkey!

9 months!

On Tuesday Autumn was 9 months old! In 3 more months she'll be a year. YIKES! There's this weird feeling like yesterday she was just born because I can remember every little detail and time just can't fly by so fast, but also that other sense that she's always been here. I can't remember what our home was like without toys scattered across the living room floor, a mini pink bathtub taking up some of our bathroom floor, and cloth diaper laundry to be done. Really. She's just plopped into our lives so easily that it's hard to imagine life without her, or even before her!

On Wednesday we went for her checkup. Shawn is still concerned about giving her a flu shot, and since I'm not pushed either way until I start to see a rise in flu cases around us, I put it off for now. She did receive the polio vaccine and the child did not cry, flinch or anything! Tough baby! The doctor said her motor skills are developing just as they should be. Her weight was only 17.8lbs. It's a little above 25%, but not back up to her "pre-6 month normal" of 50%. He didn't care. This was a huge relief to me since I was concerned he'd tell me that I was starving my child or something. In truth, Daddy and I are both tall and skinny and so that's likely what's in store for Autumn. By 12 months he said he doubts she'll even be 20 lbs, he's guessing more like 19. 1.2 lbs in 3 months?! I can handle that! Especially when Autumn LOVES food and she seems to be trying new things everyday day. Want to know what she's eating? It's a fun list!

Beside baby food mixed with cereal we've started some "real" solids:

- baby snacks like puffs, wagon wheels and biter biscuits
- yogurt
- bananas
- goldfish
- green beans
- mashed potatoes
- applesauce
- pizza crust (an EXCELLENT teething food)
- bread (like warm rolls minus the crunchy crust)
- spaghetti (this was last night when I was eating and she looked at me in a way I felt so guilty so I had to share)

I think that's it, but there might be some more. I plan on doing grocery shopping today and finding more exciting things to get her. With all this table food, on top of her regular meals, she should have no problem putting an extra pound on that cute baby butt!

What else is she doing?

Crawling...EVERYWHERE! She doesn't like being in a room alone, so she's learned to follow us around the house. I find this very cool! There isn't too much on our floors she shouldn't get into (unless of course I forget to vaccum for a day or two and dog hair is everywhere!), so I like that she is being mobile and learning to get around without me having to pick her up and carry her everywhere. It's teaching her some independence and letting me contiune getting things done when necessary. She pulls herself up, especially when she wants a piece of paper from the couch! Oh yes, paper, plastic, wires, shoes and socks are her favorite things - don't bother with toys for Christmas, just provide tissue paper and boxes - thanks!

Her small motor skills are amazing. While she is not clapping yet, she can pick up two small balls about the size of her hands, and continuously put them together in a fast motion. It's just about the same requirements for clapping and I find this fascinating. She loved to twist and turn her wrist...it's cute. She will give kisses with a big open mouth and snuggle into your neck for hugs. She is starting to understand "No!" by the tone of my voice and she will hear it, sit on her bottom and look at me. Then grin. The brat!

She does NOT sleep through the night. She is getting much better at crying herself back to sleep, but at least once a night I still have to nurse her. Her naps are getting better and becoming routine.

She babbles a lot - mamamama, dadadadadada, and she does this funny hum/squeak that always sounds like "HM? What? Really?!" If you do it back and forth with her it gets more high pitch and it's very cute!

No teeth, but the teething continues. Some weeks are bad, some weeks are better. I'm in no rush for her to be biting on my boobs, so it's all good!

I still breastfeed. YAY! I'm very excited to think that her and I will make it to at least a year:o)

~So that's about it. I can't update often due to the busy schedule with school, the craziness of holidays coming up, the insane amount of housework I have, and the time I need to spend with my family and myself! I am hoping updates will come faster after December. I miss blogging and my bloggers! Hope all is well with all of you:o)

Popping in

To update you about my little girl. This blog is about her, no? Today was a wonderful day. Daddy was home from work, so Autumn spent most of the day with him instead of going to Aunt Tara's. She slept in til 9:30 (she was up a few times in the night, which is still normal for her right now) and I only got to see her for a few minutes before heading to class. Daddy & Autumn went for a walk, he sang to her! (first time I think he's ever admitted to this), they played, etc. She was wonderful for him. And he embraced every moment of it. I didn't pick her up until almost 3!!! I love these days when I get to leave her at home with Daddy. I love the one-on-one time they get together and the happy smiles I come home to. I know Shawn truly loves to spend time with our daughter. It took me awhile to realize that we have our own ways of playing with her, but each is special and she will grow up having her own special relationship with him and that melts my heart.

She's growing up so fast. She has this personality and these quirks that make her so unbearably cute. When she's tired she gets super-giddy. She blows rasberries and bubbles and babbles uncontrollably when she's overdue for a nap or bedtime. When she's mad, Lord knows she can tell you! I love hearing her voice...I can imagine what it's going to sound like when she really starts talking and it's the sound of an angel.

She's starting to rock on all fours and occasionally can scoot her knees forward. She goes backwards like a champ! It's horrible, but I laugh because she looks forward and wants to go forward, but gets so frustrated that she ends up going the wrong way. She has this look of, "What the heck?! I want to go THAT way!" She will be crawling in no time. And then...help me!

When she curls up to sleep she needs to touch something. When I nurse her, it's my face. When she lays in the crib, it's one of her security blankets usually. She snuggles her blankets.

I am looking forward to our vacation next week so much. Not just because a vacation is much needed for Shawn and myself, but because we get to take our daughter with us. This is our 4th annual trip and every year has celebrated something special: Year 1 - our engagement, Year 2 - our marriage, Year 3 - our pregnancy, Year 4 - our first baby! Our trips have become a staple in our relationship and a testament to how much we've grown with one another. I cannot wait to show Autumn all the beautiful sites and spend so much one-on-one time with her away from all the distractions of everyday life.

6 months!!!!!

Shawn got a home a little early today due to this ungodly heat! And the awesome hubby that he is, I ran out for just a few hours for some "me" time. I went to Barnes & Noble, but the place was packed with not a single chair for me to sit and surf the web and do what I needed to do. So I'm here at teh library instead. I don't have much more time left before I have to get back, but I needed to do the 6 month update.

SIX MONTHS?! That's half a year, people. HALF A YEAR! Where did it go? Shawn is still ranting and raving about our awesome birth experience and that was 6 months ago! CRAZY! And oh my, how my little girl has grown:o)

At her checkup she weighed 14.6lbs and was 27.25 inches! Her percentiles for weight and head circumference dropped a litle bit, but her height is still in the 95%. The doctor wasn't the least bit concerned since she was 100% breastfed up until Monday night! With the introduction of solid food her percetiles should go back up to her "normal" range.

~Her motor skills (large & small) are off the charts...at least I think so. She picks things up ALL THE TIME! She grabs things (quite the grip she has!) right out of our hands. She can easily bring things to her mouth and she also reaches and grabs things that are a distance from her.

~She is just about ready to crawl. She gets her butt up. She gets her chest up. Just not at the same time. On hardwood floors she will push herself backwards. I won't call it scooting because I don't think she knows that she's actually doing it. Also, when something is out of her reach she will 1) either roll back and forth moving closer to it until she reaches it or 2) ever so slightly continue to rock herself or scoot herself forward until she can grab the object. She's very impressive to watch!

~Daddy hsa finally rigged the jumparoo between the kitchen and the living room and now that her legs are stronger she absolutely LOVES it. Shawn, I think, is actually far more entertained by her squeals and spins. It's fun to watch both of them:o)

~She has started oatmeal cereal. I'm giving it to her in the afternoon and in the evening. AFTER nursing of course, so as not to disrupt our nursing schedule and hurt my supply or overfeed her. She doesn't dislike it. She hasn't quite gotten the grasp of it. Soon I'll be adding veggies and fruits to the meals and that will be fun, I'm sure.

~As of next week she will begin visiting Aunt Tara and/or Aunt Becky while I being school (that's a whole other issue still brewing in my brain...). I think it will be very good for her and I'm excited for the extra time she will spend with people who love her.

~Autumn also makes a "popping/lip smacking" sound with her mouth. She learned it from Baby Einstein. It's the cutest thing and just cracks us up when she does it.

I'm writing this so quickly that I don't know what I'm missing. AHHHH!!!! I'm sure more updates will come...as soon as I get the internet back at the house. (hopefully next week!)

Emotional Mommies - Come on in!

Organization and compartmentalizing only goes so far. I can follow a simple chore list to help me get through the week without burning myself out. When school comes I will map out the entire semester’s homework schedule that I’ve been known to follow 90% of the time. I will plan dinners, try to cook ahead, and make it a point to take my little girl to playdates and storytimes so that I know we’re getting out of the house to spend quality time together so I’m not distracted by other things.
These are lines that can be drawn. Boundaries I can choose to stay within or cross over at my own convenience.

But there are things I can’t help. Things like being a full-time mommy and wife, holding down a part-time job while being a part-time student. I can organize the activies of these persons, but I am just one person and therefore, these three have to coexist in one body. Which means all the separate emotions, daily stresses and ups and downs that come along with each “me” rattle around in my head and bounce into one another. It’s like my head is the white padded cell of a looney bin and all my ideas is the craziness that bounces off those walls:o)

It’s hard. It’s what I signed up for and I’m well aware of that. And it’s so cliché, but it’s true that you have no idea what you’re in for. I could have done things different. I could have stayed in NJ and finished school there and been done years ago. I could have finished school here before getting married and having a baby. But this is the path I’ve chosen and I do happen to like it. They all give me a different feeling of purpose and goals and that’s something to be positive about.

Sometimes I am sad and frustrated, though. At times I question whether I suffer from PPD. Then again, I look at my own personal history and my family history (especially in the females) and I wonder if I would be medically diagnosed with depression. Or some chemical imbalance. It’s hard not to think of these things. I read other women’s struggles with their emotions and I see we all seem to be on the same page. The real question is, “Am I crazy?” Which, I think we all know we’re not. I call it my emotional roller coaster that ends at a brick wall! I’m up one minute. Down the next. And then I don’t know what I’m feeling or how to describe it.

Communication is key. Simple solution. Hard task. I’m great at communcation happy, love, thankful. I’m not so great at communcating frustration, anxiety, sad, etc. I don’t know anyone who has mastered these skills, but regardless, I’m really bad at it. Like…I will let it eat at me until I explode. Not a pretty sight.
Shawn and I are both still learning (constant ongoing process) of how to parent and how to help one another. Attending school is going to be a HUGE test in our communcation because I will be around less (con!), but he will get a lot more time with Autumn (pro!). Him and I will be finding ourselves communcating in a totally different manner than we do now because our situation is changing and I will need to learn to adjust to this. I will also need to learn to “let go” on some issues and just relax.

I’m thankful that I have a best friend who I can talk to about anything! I mean really, ANYTHING. And she’s not just a shoulder to cry on. She’s honest and helpful and if I’m being dumb, she’ll tell me:o) She’s been my support throughout the years in regards to many issues and now we’ve added “being a mommy” to the list.

Overall, lately I’m feeling very overwhelmed. And it’s easy for that emotion to get away from me and take off for the “crazy cliff.” It’s important to keep a reign on these negative emotions. And the first step I’ve found myself taking is trying to figure out where it’s coming from. WHAT is going on right now that might be causing me to feel this way? And I have to look deeper than the “I’m just stressed” excuse. Right now my valid excuse is the anxiety I feel about school starting soon. There will be a lot of changes to my schedule, Autumn’s schedule, our household atmosphere and with that comes the feeling of guilt, pressure, happy, sad, etc. Once I know where/what the problem is I don’t try to make it go away. You feel how you feel and that isn’t going to necessarily go away. However, I can ease the feelings. I can talk about it. I can come up with chore lists and meal planning to help the transition in our household easier. I can set aside special time for my family to ease the guilt.

Some days are better than others. Some days will be great. Some days will suck. This is the life of all parents. This is what I…WE…have signed up for. But there’s no reason to let the emotions overrun us. There’s no reason to think we’re the only ones that feel like we’re crazy.

So…how do deal? How do you anchor and reign in your emotions when you feel out of control? If we’re all in this together, then we need to help each other. You don’t need to spill your guts (I’ve HARDLY touched the surface!), but it’s been very helpful reading other women’s struggles and knowing I’m not alone. And sometimes their ways of coping are useful in my everyday life, too.

My stash!

A few days ago I took inventory of my freezer milk stash and it was up to 60.5 oz! At first I thought woo-hoo! Then I REALLY thought about it and I'm no where near where I need it to be. I remember reading someone's post about how they had pumped almost 200 ozs and it still wasn't enough to get them through the first full year! Granted, their situation was likely to be completely different from mine. I haven't run the numbers yet, but in a few months I will really have to start thinking about how much milk I'm going to need for Autumn. Here are some things I need to consider:

1 - Food. When I do decide to start solid foods (cereal and purees) it will mean that I'll need to have a few ounces ready to go to mix with her food. Obviously I'm not going to sit there like a cow and tug at my boobs to put milk in her bowl. Although that would be a sight to see!

2 - Morning Care. Likely my sister-in-law is going to be totally awesome and watch Autumn for me in the mornings when the fall semester starts. Right now I'm signed up for classes Mon-Fri morning, but I'm on the wait list for a third class. If I get into the waitlist class, I would drop the Mon/Wed/Fri class and only have classes on Tues/Thurs in the mornings. This would mean I would need less milk because she'd only be away from me for two mornings, which is far better than trying to supply milk for five mornings!

3 - Demand. I will have no idea for another few months what Autumn's feeding schedule will be like. Not only will I have to take into consideration how often she is eating, but also the food I'll be sending with her. So...we'll be handling bottles & solids at once. Good thoughts? By then I ***think*** her feeding schedule will be more spread out, not necessarily every 2-3 hours like it is now, AND I think when I start solids she only gets it at one meal for a little while (dinner?) and then she gradually moves up to having it at every meal. So, in the beginning I may not be using as much of my freezer stash as I anticipate.

The really great thing is that the freezer stash will likely only be used for mornings when I have class and for mixing with solids. I will still have Autumn in the afternoon and evenings, which means we can still breastfeed whenever we like. AND, if I'm up for the challenge, I can still pump when I need to/want to to continue adding to the stash.

If you have any thoughts/suggestions that helped when you needed to send your little one to be cared for by someone else I would really love to hear about it!

My baby...NOT my burden!

I just feel so blessed that I thought I should share. Yesterday afternoon (early evening) I went out to see a movie with a friend and we took Autumn along! Yes, you read correctly, I took a 3 1/2 month old to the movie theater and she did wonderfully! She was awake for the first 30 mins of previews and the intro to the movie, then she ate (breastfeeding in a movie theater? CHECK!) and then she napped...through the whole movie!

I noticed other young children there. In fact, a couple behind us had a 3 yr old - I turned around to reassure them that I generally have a good baby when out in public, so they shouldn't hear so much as a peep out of her. They didn't care! They said, "We have a 3 year old, we understand!" I thought about this whole scenario later in the evening.

We went to see "Alice in Wonderland" which is NOT a young children's movie this time around. Yet there were several adults there to see it who had brought their young children. GOOD FOR THEM! These parents were obviously out to see the movies themselves. Sure...a 3 yr old would see a talking white bunny rabbit, a man that can be familiarized with a clown (Johnny Depp....swoon!), and a pretty cool looking dragon! BUT, the movie was geared towards older children and adults and that's who was there to truly see the movie. But did that stop parents from bringing their kids out? NOPE! (NOTE: I do not generally condone children viewing adult movies, UNLESS they are young enough to not grasp the adult themes and they still get something fun out of it - hence, the cute white rabbit with the pocket watch or even the talking dog that were characters in AIW)

Anyway, my whole point is...I needed an afternoon away...but NOT away from my baby. I may need a night out...but NOT without my baby. Having a baby has NOT changed what Shawn and I do, but how we do it. From the basic things like grocery shopping or the more complex things like going out to dinner or the movies...I can BRING my baby. I don't need someone to come over, so I can explain in detail my child's routine and leave them for hours at a time. I don't need an extended break from my little girl. Do I sometimes need 30 mins to myself? Sure. And when that happens I ask her Daddy to take over and spend some quality time with her. Because that is who she needs...US! She gets plenty of social exposure, so I'm certainly not smothering my child or afraid to expose her to society, but she doesn't need to be in anyone else's care for extended amounts of time just because I feel like getting out. (NOTE: This is totally NOT against anyone who works during the week and has to send their children to daycare...obviously, you have a family to take care of and those are necessary sacrifices!)

Will the day come when Shawn and I go out on a date alone? Yes. But not right now. She's 3 1/2 months old! I like the fact that she needs me to be around every few hours for a feeding. I ENJOY that. Being there for her need is not a chore. I take so much pride in the fact that when we go for her checkups they tell me her weight gain is fine and I'm doing a GREAT job. This tells me that her and I are in tune with one another and that we're working together to help her grow up strong and healthy. I'm more than her food source, I'm her LIFE source. Now, everyone makes their own choices when it comes to breastfeeding/bottlefeeding and to each his own - I support every woman who makes the decision for herself based on what is best for her situation - but personally, I love it! It makes me feel great as a Mommy. The reward is priceless:o)

Anyway, the whole point to writing this is...my baby is not a burden. I may look at the clock at 530am and dread getting out of bed, but the second I see her smiling face in the crib and hold her in my arms as I feed her...I am in heaven. I treasure each and every day because I know they will not last forever. And right now, in this moment, I am not ready to leave her behind so that I may enjoy my own moments. She IS my joy, she IS my moment. She is not my tag along or the third wheel...she is my baby that I feel blessed enough to take with me when I experience fun of life. My moments are better because she is there with me.